Finding My Way Home

Chapter 17

Diane

It is three in the morning, and I am still awake. In a few hours the casts will be removed, then what happens? Eventually, I will have to go home, but it's not my home. I don't remember it, and I'm afraid to be alone with them. I know Ethan loves me. I can see it in his eyes, in the way he talks to me, and the way he takes care of me. The children are another issue. I'm afraid to see them today, but I have to face the fact that I may never regain my memory. It's very odd because I remember everything since I woke up from the operation. I have perfect recall. It feels like there is a wall in my mind that I cannot get past.

I have so much to re-learn. My psychologist spoke to me yesterday about occupational therapy. Dr. Griffith said that it would help me to function in my day to day life. I can't remember what my day to day life was like before the accident. Ethan told me I was a teacher. I must have been intelligent. Otherwise, I wouldn't be a teacher. I feel stupid and insecure. Reading is an effort for me. I get frustrated when I can't pronounce the words. It is like my mind is seeing things backward. Nothing makes sense, and I hope that with continued therapy, this will change. My mind is thinking clearly. I know what I want to say, but when I try to communicate, something blocks me. It is so frustrating, and I want to scream...why me? Why did this happen to me? Why was my life taken away from me? Without memories, I am nobody.

How can they love me? Will they love me? Will they treat me differently when they see I am not the same person I was before the accident? Will they be patient with me when I stumble? I have so many questions to ask and no real answers. I am starting to believe that I have no place in this world. What happens when I see someone who knew me before the accident? Will I have to repeatedly explain why I do not remember them? I can't live my life in this way. I feel like a prisoner in my mind, and I am trapped in a dark place with no light. I close my eyes and will myself to calm down.

*****

I feel someone touching my arm. When I open my eyes, the room is no longer dark, and the morning nurse is poking at me again. I look up at the nurse and ask, "Do you enjoy poking me with a needle?"

Carol, the morning nurse, laughs at me. "Not really, but I have a job to do. One last sample before we ship you to rehab. You should be happy to leave us. This is good news, Diane. You are on the road to recovery."

"I'm afraid, Carol. I still have no memory. What is going to happen to me?"

Carol sits on the bed next to me and holds my hand. "I know you are scared Diane, but I want you to remember one thing, okay? You are still a young woman. You have many years ahead of you. I know your family loves you. I have seen them pace the length of the hallway for several weeks, especially Dr. Miller. When I start my shift in the morning, I see him sometimes sitting on the floor outside your door. He looks like your personal security guard. He's watching over you Diane."

"I know the future looks scary when you no longer remember the past. You can make new memories, new moments to treasure. You have been given a second chance at life, Diane. Welcome it with open arms, because even though you are anxious, imagine what would happen to your family had you not survived the accident. Imagine what their lives would be like without you."

My eyes burn as I absorb her words. "I never thought of it that way. Thank you, Carol. You have helped me to realize that I am very lucky. You should be my psychologist!"

Carol takes a notepad out of her pocket and writes her cell number on it. "This is my cell phone number. If you want to talk to me, please call. When you are fully recovered, we can go to lunch and the mall. I call it a girls day out. You have a new friend Diane. I admire your strength and courage. It's not easy accepting your new reality, but I know you will be okay. You have a great support system and a family that cherishes you. Open your eyes and honestly look at them. You will see the love."