Finding My Way Home

Chapter 9

Diane

I have children. I have a husband. I have parents.

Why can't I remember any of them?

The little girl is beautiful. Does the girl look like me?

I can't get out of bed. The other doctor told me that I have a broken leg.

How bad was the accident? I need answers.

I press the help button and a few seconds later; the nurse enters my room.

"What can I do for you, Diane?"

I try to speak again, but it is impossible to tell her what I want.

What is wrong with me? I know what I want to say!

The nurse looks confused. "Do you need me to call your husband?"

I shake my head no. I point to my leg. I hope she understands what I am desperately trying to convey.

I can see that the nurse doesn't want to tell me anything.

She said, "Let me get the doctor on call. I will be back in a few minutes."

Several minutes later, Ethan walks into my room. I told the nurse I do not want to talk to him.

He sits on the edge of my bed, and he looks concerned for my wellbeing.

"The nurse said you were pointing at your leg. Do you have questions about the accident?"

The doctor, Ethan...my husband...I don't know what to call him, moves closer to me.

He tries to hold my hand but pulls back. I point to my leg. Please understand what I am asking!

"Are you sure you want to hear this now? I don't want to upset you."

I nod my head yes.

Ethan

I don't want to do this now, but I have no choice. I can't deny Diane the truth. She needs to know what happened to her, and what happens next. "Before I say anything, I need you to know something. As I have said before, your name is Diane Miller, and you are my wife. You are forty-four years old, and we are happily married for twenty-two years. Our children are happy, healthy, beautiful children. Kellie gives us a hard time because she would rather have a pajama party with her little friends than study. Joey is very intense and focused. He is in his last year of high school, and when he graduates, he is college bound. Kellie is a terror in sneakers. She is constantly on the move. She is curious about everything, funny as hell, and she owns my heart."

I want so much to tell her how much I love her, how much I have missed her, and how I can't exist without her next to me, but I can't. The look in her eyes is proof that she doesn't remember us. I don't see the spark of lust she has when she looks at me. I don't see the love, the connection...nothing. Her eyes are dead to me, and it kills me. I am a stranger to her. This is so incredibly difficult, but I can't lose my focus. I can't worry about tomorrow.

"You were on your way to work. You are a high school English teacher. It was raining, and the roads were slippery. You were driving on a two-lane road when a car in the other lane crossed over into yours, hitting you head-on. The force of the crash pushed your car into a tree. The fire department had to cut the roof off your vehicle. I was taking the kids to school when I received several messages that you were in an accident. The most serious injury was to your head. My brother Jerry operated to relieve the pressure on your brain." I need a visual to make her understand where she was injured, and I point to the left side of my head.

"The injury is isolated to the front left side of your brain. This area is called the cerebral cortex." I point to that area on my head. "The cerebral cortex controls the brain's memory. The fact that you can speak is excellent news because the broca is located right underneath the cerebral cortex. You also have a concussion, which can also affect your memory. I know this is a lot to absorb. You are still recovering and in pain. I don't want to overwhelm you, and I need you to tell me if it gets to be too much for you. Our parents have waited patiently for the past twelve days, and they are beyond ready to see you. They just want to see you. Are you up for visitors?"

Do I have a choice? Can I say no?

"You can refuse visitors, however; I would suggest you at least see your parents. They are beside themselves with anxiety. Just for a few minutes and I'll be here with you."

I see her hesitating, not sure of what she should do. If William and Barbara don't see her soon, they will raise the roof off of the hospital. I don't want another argument, but I also don't want to force Diane to do something that makes her feel uncomfortable.

No, I don't want to see anyone but you. I shake my head no. It's too much. I can't handle this now.

"Okay, I'll tell them you do not want visitors. If you change your mind, you'll let me know?" As I get up to leave, I hear Diane banging her hand on the table.

Can you stay here for a few minutes and talk to me? Can you tell me something about my life? I'm afraid Ethan. What is going to happen to me? What if I never remember? When I bang my hand on the table again, he turns around to look at me. I signal for him to come back.

*****

I move closer to the bed and hold her hand. She is twisting my wedding ring. Her eyes are asking what she can't convey. "First, let me say that nothing will ever change how much I love you. Know this with certainty. As far as your memory, we need to wait and see if this is a side effect of the surgery, and or the concussion. Let's take it one day at a time."

Diane visibly relaxes, and that pleases me. So, now I'll tell her about our life together. "We met in high school. I was on the debate team, and you were the prettiest cheerleader in the squad. Everyone wanted to date you, but you brushed everyone off. Some of my classmates dared me to ask you to the junior prom. At first, you said no, and I wasn't taking no for an answer. Every day I left a flower in the air vent of your locker door, with a little note begging you to go to the prom with me. I made funny little jokes, and eventually you said yes."

I laugh as I continue telling the story. "The other guys were so jealous and gave me a hard time because I was a nerd with glasses and braces. What you see before you today is not even close to the geek I was in high school. They wanted to know if I paid you to say yes. I remember that night as if it happened yesterday because it was the beginning of an incredible life that I have shared with you. You looked so beautiful in your pink dress, and when we walked into the auditorium, all eyes were on me, because I was with you. I don't remember what song was playing when we danced for the first time. I only remember how nice it felt to hold you in my arms."

"Some of my friends tried to dance with you, but you refused. You told them that I was your boyfriend. I thought you were joking since this was our first, and I thought our last date. You surprised the hell out of me when you kissed me in front of everyone. I was surprised I remembered what to do. That's how much you shocked me. Ever since that day, we have been together. All of the firsts, we have shared together. You told me after the wedding that you saved all of the notes and pressed the flowers in a book. You still have them safely tucked away in your memory box. I have many more stories that I will happily share with you. You only need to ask."

I can see her tiring, and so I bend down and gently kiss her forehead. She doesn't pull away when I kiss her. This makes me happy. "Get some sleep Diane. I will be back in the morning."