Finding My Way Home

Chapter 16

Ethan

My head feels like a jackhammer is doing a happy dance around my skull, and I still have to face my children. How many aspirin can I take without overdosing? I take the longest possible route home, which gives me time to run the conversation in my mind a few dozen times. No matter how I phrase it, the truth is what it is, and all of us need a healthy dose of reality. Today is the day to face a different future. My daughter is laying on the grass reading a book, and when she sees me get out of the car, she plows into me. I pick her up and spin her around a few times. She is laughing, and it's music to my ears.

"Daddy, you're home early. Did you see Mommy?"

"I did, munchkin, and I need to tell you and Joey a few things after dinner. Are Granny and Gramps in the house?"

"Yeah. Granny helped me with my math. I was confused, and she knew everything. I wish Mommy were here to help me. When is she coming home?"

"After we eat dinner, I'll tell you everything."

"You know Daddy; I'm not a baby. You can tell me sad things, and I won't cry, I promise."

"I know you're not a baby, but what I have to say is important, and I want Joey to hear it too. Now, pick up your mess and wash your hands. I'm sure Granny has dinner ready."

"Okay, but you better tell me soon. You know I am not a patient kid!"

All I can do is laugh. Where does Kellie get this shit from? I think she watches too much television, or her little friends are monsters in disguise. When I walk into the kitchen, I am overwhelmed with the smell of homemade sauce, meatballs, and sausage. God bless my mother. She is an expert on comfort food, and tonight we will need it. Dinner is loud and animated. Kellie rambles on and on about the latest boy in her class who picks on the girls. She wants to have a sleepover, and she wants me to buy her a puppy. My little girl is not shy in expressing what she wants. Joey contemplates asking a girl to his senior prom and wants to know if I can go with him to get a new suit. It makes me happy and sad at the same time to see my children adjusting to the current situation. After dinner, I ask everyone to follow me to the living room. My father sits next to Joey, and my mother has Kellie sitting on her lap.

"I have good news for everyone. Mom's casts are coming off tomorrow, and she wants to see Kellie and Joey, but there are a few things we need to discuss first. I had a long talk with Mommy today, and she still does not remember us. We talked about what will happen when she is released from the hospital."

"Is she coming home?" Joey asks.

"Well, that's what I want to discuss with you. Your mother is afraid to come home with me because she doesn't remember this house. Imagine how you would feel if you lived in a strange new house and didn't know anyone."

"But we know who she is Daddy!" Kellie cries out.

"Yes we do, honey, but she doesn't know us. She will feel awkward and uncomfortable when she comes home. I've decided to turn the family room into a bedroom for her. It will be difficult climbing the stairs for a few weeks, and it will be easier for her moving around the house with a walker."

"What happens once she comes home?" My mother asks me.

"Diane will need a few months of physical therapy. She still needs to see the psychologist, who will help her to adjust to life without her memories. I want all of us to be aware of her feelings. I don't want any of us putting pressure on her to remember. That means no forced conversations, and I don't want anyone showing her pictures if she doesn't want to see them. I don't want anyone making her feel sad by reminding her of what she had lost."

I look at my children. "This is especially important for the two of you. I don't want you to call your mother Mom. You can call her Diane."

"I don't understand why I can't call her Mommy. Doesn't she love us anymore?"

My daughter is on the verge of tears. I walk over to Kellie and sit next to her. I need to keep this simple. She does not understand. I grab a piece of paper and her crayons. Maybe something visual will help her to understand. I draw the shape of a head, and I make squiggly lines which represent the brain. I segregate sections of the brain that affect memory and color those areas red. Kellie is watching me, and I pray she understands.

"This is a picture of Mommy's brain. The red area is where Mommy got hurt. Do you see how all of the red areas are in the front of the head? The red area is where we store our memories. Do you remember last year when you had trouble with math? You studied really hard all weekend and yet, when you were in school, you forgot everything."

Kellie nods her head yes. She is listening to me. "When Mommy got hurt, her brain lost her memories, just like you forgot your math lessons. Her brain has to get better and maybe her memories will come back to her. She wants to remember us, but she can't honey. Her head hurts sometimes, and we have to be patient until she feels better. She needs us to help her because she can't remember how to do other things, like cook, and drive a car. She needs us to help her learn how to read and write."

"Mommy forgot how to read and write? I can help her learn the alphabet," Kellie said.

"And I can help her with reading, and math," Joey said.

"And I can help her learn how to cook," my mother said.

"And I can help her on those days when she feels lost and confused," my dad said.

This is good. We are all united with one goal in mind, and that is to do everything possible to help Diane.

"But what happens if her head never gets better," Kellie asks me. "Will she leave us and go somewhere else to live?"

Good question sweetheart. I'd like to know the answer to that one, too. "No, your mother will not live somewhere else. She belongs here with us, and we will always love and take care of her. I want you to remember that while we have our memories, she doesn't, so for the foreseeable future, you need to call her by her name, and not Mom."

"Also, she wants to see the two of you tomorrow after Jerry removes the casts. She wishes to know you, and I think this is a good idea. We need to make new memories, and not dwell so much in the past. This is a fresh start for Diane, and we want her to be happy, don't we?"

Everyone agrees, and I feel an immense sense of relief. Later that night, Joey comes into my room. I look at the clock. It's past midnight.

"Why are you up so late?"

"I have a problem, and I couldn't sleep."

I pat the mattress, and he climbs into bed with me. He's been doing this a lot lately. "What's wrong Joey? You know you can talk to me."

"Some of the kids at school are asking questions. I haven't discussed what happened to Mom with many of my friends. It's getting around school now because one of the teachers told her daughter, and now everyone is coming at me, and I don't know what to say to them."

"Do you feel uncomfortable talking about your mother to your friends?"

"Yeah, I do feel a little uncomfortable. How do I tell everyone that my mom doesn't know me?"

I am angry that one of the teachers put my son in the awkward position of having to talk about a private family matter. "You tell anyone who asks that your mother had a serious car accident, and she is recovering. If they press you further, say that you do not discuss private family issues."

"Dad, are you scared Mom will never remember us?"

I tell my son the truth. "I'm terrified Joey, but I need to remain optimistic because if I don't, I'll lose my mind. We need to be strong for her. Keep this between the two of us. I don't want your sister to be upset. She's too young to understand fully."

"Is it okay if I sleep here tonight?"

"Yes, it's okay son. I want you here with me. It's the only way I can sleep."