Finding My Way Home

Chapter 13

Ethan

Fucking hell. What will I do with her? My stomach cramps at the thought of losing her. How do I make Diane understand how much I love her? I keep asking myself this question as I walk back to my office. I have rounds in fifteen minutes, and I need to focus. Some of the other doctors have filled in for me the past few weeks, and I welcome the distraction of focusing on something other than my wife's illness. The day passes quickly, and I am in the car by seven. I have not seen Diane since our earlier visit. As much as it upsets me, I need to take a step back and regroup. When I walk in the front door, I hear my father in a heated argument with Joey.

"I'm tired of waiting. I want to see my mother! Why can't I see her?"

I hear the frustration in my father's voice. "You know why Joey. Your mother is confused, and is not ready to have visitors."

"That's bullshit! I want to see her. I'm going to the hospital tomorrow after school. Maybe if she sees me again, she will remember us. How could she forget us? How Gramps?"

I stand in the doorway and watch my son shatter into a million pieces. My father holds Joey in his arms as the sound of his crying fills the room. I walk up behind my son and wrap my arms around him and my father. Joey's legs give out, and we keep him from falling onto the floor. I look at my dad and jerk my head towards the door. Joey leans on me as we walk towards the door.

"Where are we going?"

"We are going to see your mother."

"I thought she didn't want to see us?"

"Your mother is frightened Joey. She has so much to re-learn, and it will be a few months before she will be released from the hospital. You must remember that she has amnesia, and she is still recovering from the concussion. I don't want you to expect anything when you see her. Just introduce yourself again and take your cue's from her."

"How has she been with you?"

"Hesitant, scared, and a little curious. She has a lot of sensory overloads. Everything is coming at her all at once, and it is too much for her to process. I want you to promise me you will not tell Kellie that we visited your mother. She will scream and carry on until I bring her to the hospital. She is too young to understand, and when Diane fails to recognize her again, I don't know how Kellie will react. Keep this between the two of us."

"I'm not sure this is a good idea, Dad. Maybe we should wait a few more days."

"No. It's time we slowly integrate our family in her life. This is her new reality for the time being, and she needs to be comfortable around us."

"Okay, if you say so. You are the doctor."

I don't tell my son that I am about to shit my pants because I have no way of gauging how Diane will react when she sees our son again.

*****

The television is on in Diane's room when we reach the door. I hesitate for a second or two. Joey sees my hesitation and gently pushes me forward. Diane is surprised to see the two of us. She covers her mouth with her hand when she sees Joey. They are a mirror image of each other.

Joey takes a few steps closer but remains standing at the foot of the bed. I am waiting for someone to say something. Joey cleared his throat and said, "Um..hi. I asked if I could visit you. How are you feeling?"

"I..ah...I'm feeling...a little better. What is your... name again?"

The hope dies in Joey's eyes. "I'm Joesph, but everyone calls me Joey."

She looks at Joey. "Can you come closer... to the bed?"

Joey walks around to the other side of the bed and sits in the chair.

Diane's eyes are fixated on him. "You're handsome."

"Um....thank you."

"How old are you?"

"I'm seventeen."

"When Ethan told me... we had... children, I wondered... when they would... visit me again."

Tears well in her eyes. "I wish I could... remember you. I really... do. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Can you... leave now, please?"

Joey reaches out to touch his mother's hand. "Please don't cry, Mom. It's okay if you don't remember us. I have enough memories to share with you. All we want is for you to get better. I'm sorry if I upset you. I'll leave now."

When Joey leaves the room, I apologize to her. "This was not a good idea. I'm sorry Diane. When I got home tonight, he was upset, and the only way to calm him was for him to visit you. I won't let him see you again if this is too upsetting for you."

I don't give her a chance to respond when I turn and leave the room. Joey is sitting on the floor outside her room. He looks up at me and his eyes convey everything that I feel at this moment. The drive home is quiet. When we get home, we go our separate ways, each one retreating to the privacy of our bedroom.