Finding My Way Home

Chapter 30

Diane

I am at a loss for words after hearing Ethan tell me how my family has suffered the past six months. It feels strange saying 'my family' but that's who they are to me, and it's time for me to live my life. When I think of what I have lost because someone carelessly got behind the wheel of his car drunk, I want to lash out and hurt him. It makes me even angrier to know my children suffered because of what happened to me. I lost precious time with my kids, time that I will never get back. I already see a change in Kellie. My daughter has grown a few inches since I've been sick. I wonder what Joey will look like when I see him later this morning.

I cannot think about what I've lost, because if my mind goes to that dark place, I will go insane. It also angers me that my parents acted so horribly not only towards me but also to Ethan and Jerry. I remember what Ethan told me about the surgery and their accusations. God, it scares me knowing I almost died during the operation. You take life for granted, and you just don't realize that in the blink of an eye, your entire world could end. When I think about it, I want to cry. Today is not the day for sad memories. Today is a day for celebrating life. I don't want to live with the dark memories. However, they flood my mind constantly since I woke up. I remember how it felt to be entrenched in total darkness, with no hope of light. Ethan's voice breaks through the sadness.

"What is on your mind sweetheart?"

"What am I not thinking about? My mind is a whirlwind of memories, and most of them are not good ones. I know I will need some type of counseling, and I'll do whatever it takes to live with these memories. I want you to come with me."

"I think we could both benefit from counseling. You see, I also have bad memories, and we can't push them aside. We must face them to get past them. Now, let's get you out of bed and dressed before Joey comes home. We should get some food into your stomach. Do you feel hungry?"

"Yes, I'm starving, but how can I eat?"

"I have that covered my darling. Mom went shopping early this morning and bought a ton of baby food. Also, I can make you a protein drink, but first I need to show you how to swallow while we wait for your first therapy appointment. It's simple really. Because the esophagus branches off in three different directions, we must be careful that you do not aspirate liquids. Therefore, when you have something in your mouth as I showed you earlier, lower your head until your chin touches your chest, then swallow. This way, the liquid goes up over the larynx, and into your stomach, rather than your lungs. We'll work on this honey. Don't worry about anything. I'll be with you for all meals. I also have a box of Thicken that Craig gave me. You need liquids, and this will add bulk to whatever you drink, which will also help you to not aspirate."

"This is a lot to take in Ethan. I'm a little scared."

"Don't be honey. You have me, and I'll take care of you."

"What would I do without you? I'm a mess."

I laugh at her description, "Well, yes, you are, but you're my mess, and I love you madly."

"Oh Ethan, I don't know what I would do without you. I hope one day to return those words to you."

"I know baby. You are the other half of my heart. I am nothing without you, and I will wait for however long it takes for you to say those words to me."

"Stop before you make me cry. There has been enough crying in this house to last a lifetime. I want today to be a happy day."

"I can almost guarantee more crying when Joey gets home in a few hours."

"Well then, I need to look good for my son. Help me get dressed, and ask Catherine to come up and help me with my makeup. I don't want to look sick when Joey gets home."