Fascination - JB

Depression.

She's so broken inside. I can feel it in the palm of her hands, the way she breathes, the way she's so stand offish when it comes to her emotions and when I ask her if she's okay. I know she needs someone to talk to. She just has this thick brick wall wrapped so tightly around her heart, she won't even let me inside her mind or let me know what she's really feeling.

"Baby, why don't you ever let me in?" I asked, twisting a strand of her soft hair between the pads of my fingers. Her head laying still on my lap, keeping my thighs warm.

"What do you mean?" She looks up at me with questioning eyes but a knowing glint in them saying you-better-not.

When she starts to squirm, I know I've hit a sensitive nerve. I don't mean to pick a fight, I'm just worried about my baby girl. "You know what I mean. Why won'tyou tell me what you're feeling or what's going on?"

She stayed silent but by the sudden rise of her body heat, she's embarrassed and it's only the beginning of her blow up. She's going to get mad, then sad, conflicted, then quiet. She'll ignore me.

"Because it's easier, Justin. You don't understand." She sighs.

That's where she's wrong. I understand sadness and loneliness. I just want to understand hers. "Then help me understand, baby. I want to know what you're feeling. Please don't shut me out." I tenderly caress the frame of her soft face in my palms to direct her attention to me. The pad of my thumb rubbing softly along her cheeks as I look into her eyes for a sign, something to help me understand what she's feeling. And the deeper I go, the scarier it is. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. And hers, her eyes show emptiness and loss. Helpless and hopelessness.

She knows I can see it, I cab feel her ache in my heart so she blinks and looks away.

"I don't want to talk about it, Justin. Please just drop it-"

"All I want to do is help, Y/n." I speak softly.

"Why? Why do you want to know so badly about how I feel?" Her tone bitter and condescending. I got to admit, that hurt. Does she not know how much I care about her?

I frown, "you're human. And you need someone to talk to and I want to be that person for you. Do you not trust me? Y/n? I love you so much that it fucking hurts knowing I don't know what's going on with you. I want to learn because I want to know what I can do to help-" she cut me off scoffing and sitting uo. I wanted to whimper at the loss of her warmth. Even if it was an angry warmth. I still wanted it.

"When I'm like that, I don't want to be around anyone because then I'd feel like I'm a burdon, a damned charity case or a fucking pity party. I hate that feeling, Justin. Now please, just drop it. I don't want to have this conversation because it'll start an argument."

"I'm trying here, Y/n. I'm trying to understand you better, and be a better boyfriend. I care, Y/n. I fucking care and if I didn't, I wouldn't be sitting here asking you to tell me how you're feeling. I understand hurt. I understand depression and anxiety. I understsnd loneliness because I have felt it for so long, but with you, I feel better and not so alone. I just want to be with you on a spiritual and emotional level, baby girl. I want to help you." My tender words caused a few tears to drop from my water line. I didn't care about the tears, I know what I'm feeling is real. "I'm lost when it comes to your emotions, Y/n."

She shook her head and stood up to her feet, "Just leave me alone. I don't need your help, nor do I want it. I'm fine. I'm always fine. I always have been fine. Just leave. Me. Alone. Please." I watched as my heart was completely ripped from my chest. She walked away and disappeared into the bedroom. I've never felt so alone and cold before.