Fascination - JB

insecurity.

I stood in front of the body mirror, looking at the person before me. The reflection that looked back at me was sad, there were dark circles under her eyes, her lips weren't plumpy, her eyes weren't bright and doey, her cheek bones weren't as prominent as her red cheeks, her jawline wasn't sharp, her hair wasn't straight, her collar bones weren't on display, her tummy had expanded a bit, her legs weren't as thin as they used to be... she was stumpy. I saw nothing but a lump of disgusting.

I hate my body. I hate how I can't fit in my jeans. I hate how I'm not slender and thin figured. I always compare myself to others; I always compare my body image.

I wish I had a flatter stomach, I wish my breasts were perkier, I wish my arms and legs were toned and smooth, I wish my eye lashes were longer, fuller and darker, I wish my lips were plumper and more pink, I wish I didn't have excess body hair.

Why can't I look the way I want to? I want to be pretty. I want to be able to look good and know I look good. I don't to be self obsorbed, I just want to be confident. I want to be able to feel confident about myself.

I'm always compared. I'm always judged. And it hurts me in more ways than other can possibly imagine.

I'm not "good enough" they say.

I'm not "pretty enough" they say.

I'm not "perfect enough" they say.

It took a long time to feel just okay with myself, and now that I am where I am, my insecurities and pride had taken a downfall.

Why does he love me? Why is he still with me? Am I being used? Played? How can he love me?

I'm disgusting.

"Baby?" The sound of his voice faintly made its way to my ears and a tear fell. I wasn't aware my eyes had started watering. "Y/n, you almost ready?" The sound of the door handle being turned alerted me, but I didn't move. I couldn't. The reflection staring back at me was too powerful and had a complete hold on me. "Sweetheart? What are you- you okay? What's wrong? What happened?" His figure rushed towards me, his hands firmly gripped on either side of my shoulders. A worried gray look mixed into his flawless features. I looked him up and down, and avoided any eye contact. He looked so good. Clean and smelled heavenly.

"Nothing." My voice comes out small, almost inaudible as I turned away from him, making my way to the bathroom. I needed to get away from her.

And she follows me everywhere I go. Everywhere I went, she was there to mock me.

"Y/n, what's wrong? O-open the door, baby. Talk to me." His voice was muffled but the worry and concern was clear in his tone.

I couldn't breathe. I caught yet another glimpse of the girl in the mirror. I loathed her.

"Baby girl, please open this door. Let me in,"

I had no idea what he meant. I didn't want to let him in, but I did. But I couldn't. I don't want him seeing me like this, but I wanted his warmth and comfort.

"Y/n, please don't do this. I'll break down this door if I have to. Let me in, beautiful."

Instantly, my heart skipped a beat. Beautiful? I see nothing beautious in the person staring back at me.

"Please open this door and let me hold you." His voice soft.

It was silent for a moment before the sound of clicking and clinking rattled with the door handle. Justin was forcing himself in, hot tears streamed down my face and I had no time to prepare for his impact.

He slowly opened the door and peeked in, instantly his face fell and I knew it was because of me. I hated seeing him so upset. I love his smile and bright eyes.