The R Word (On Hold)

Chapter 5 - Our Little Secret

When the bell rang at eleven o’clock for break, the students jammed their books and pieces of paper into their bags and darted from the classroom in a rush. Jane however took her time; knowing by the time she was done, Alfie would be standing outside waiting for her patiently. Debbie rubbed down her whiteboard quickly.

The first lesson had gone well, she thought. By the end, most of the students had participated; offering up their own opinions and respecting those voiced by others. However, at the back of her mind, Debbie’s attention kept returning the Parkinson girl in the first row. Throughout the lesson, the girl kept her head down; her mind obviously occupied, although her hand moved furiously across her notepad; taking in the words and suggestions of her peers. When Debbie had asked her question, she jumped in a startle and asked for the question to be repeated. She was pale, the woman noted, and sweaty. After her explanation of the Speak novel, Debbie had seen her stiffen at the corner of her eye. Or maybe it was just her imagination.

Jane took her bag by the strap and placed it over her shoulder and approached the door, before Debbie call her back. She turned, “Yes?”

“I’m sorry if earlier, it seemed as if I was picking on you. I wasn’t, I promise”

Jane shrugged her shoulders, “It’s okay”

“If I made you uncomfortable, I apologise. It won’t happen again” Debbie reassured with a smile. Jane returned the smile, “Well, thankfully it was a subject I was willing to talk about”

Debbie chuckled, “Your boy must be something special”

“He is” she admitted, her cheeks blushing and her eyes shining. Debbie’s heart went out to her. To be so in love at her age, it's a hard thing to find these days. Often enough, she'd seen girls and boys with people who use them for selfish means. They use them, because they don't want to be alone, because they want a warm body to cuddle up to late at night. Jane didn't look like one of those girls to fool around.

“Well, you best get off for break” she told her, turning to her desk and firing up her laptop. Jane nodded and walked out of the classroom to see, as she had expected, Alfie leaning across the opposite wall. Waiting. Just for her.

--

Break was an hour long, giving Danielle plenty of time to clue in her friends every last detail about her first Health and Social Care class. Her tutor called Amanda had given them the rundown of what units they would be studying. Jane listened intently to her news, sharing her excitement when Danni gushed on about looking into mental health and the reasons behind people’s actions.

She and Danielle had been best friends since primary school, so naturally Jane knew of her ambition to be a nurse and to help people. Danni would always be the doctor, when they played Doctors and Nurses when they were young. She would wear the white coat, two pens in the chest pocket and a plastic stethoscope around her neck. Sure enough, Danni went in a daze; picturing herself as a nurse, chasing down patients and making them better. With the way she sighed, Jane knew she was picturing the cute Doctors she’d be assisting.

Jane leaned back in her chair, feeling Alfie’s arm fall over her shoulders. She looked over at him and smiled, as she pecked his cheek.

“What was that for?” he asked, stroking her arm. Jane shrugged, “Does there have to be a reason? My English teacher got me to talk about you today”

“Why?” he chuckled.

“She’s teaching us the romance genre and she got the class to admit who was ‘truly and deeply in love with their other halves’” Jane mimicked passionately. She laughed, “She pointed at me and asked me why I loved you”

“What did you say?” Danni asked suddenly, looking up from her mobile quickly.

“I didn’t have to say anything” Jane admitted, “I just grinned like an idiot”

Alfie and Danni laughed at her and for a short time, Jane believed she’d be okay. That nothing in the world could destroy her good mood. 

Jane turned to Alfie, “I’ll be right back. I’m gonna get a drink”

He nodded, as she stood and wormed her way through the maze of chairs and tables to the café. There were two fridges, both full to the brim with snacks and cold drinks. With so much choice, it took Jane longer than usual to decide what she wanted. Eventually, Jane reached for a banana milkshake at the same time he did.

Jane snatched her hand back and put a good foot behind her and Steven. He merely smiled, handing out the bottle. She shot up and took another from the shelf; escaping as quickly as she could to the line. There was no way in Hell she’d ever handle something he’d touched. His touch was poison. His mere presence was a thorn in her sight. She tolerated him for Danni’s sake. She wasn’t at all pleased with the arrangement, but to keep Steven from poisoning her innocence, Jane stuck around. She wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of fading into the background.

Jane waited in the queue, feeling her heart speed up. She hadn’t escaped him. Steven stood right behind her, humming to himself pleasantly.

“So how was your summer, Janey?” he asked casually. Jane’s grip around her drink tightened, her knuckles turned white.

“Don’t call me that” she hissed, turning her head back enough for him to see her glare. He laughed it off, “There’s no need for that, Jane. I was just asking you a question”

“Well, don’t” she spat, tasting acid in her mouth, “You lost that right four months ago”

He looked around him cautiously, before moving in closer to Jane. She froze, feeling his artic breath on her exposed neck. Her stomach bubbled and her throat grew tight.

“I thought we’d agreed that would be our little secret, Janey?” he whispered, seduction and warning in every syllable. Jane took in quick, sharp breaths to keep calm. It wasn’t working. Her mind flashed back to that night. Once more, she was the hopeless child; lying on the ground surrounded by stringing nettles and old leaves. Darkness closed around her. There was no escape. Just a hand scratching her and squeezing her skin until it turned red from restriction. A heavy weight on her body, on her heart stopped air. No screaming. Just crying and letting. A body…his body.

Her chest heaved. The bottle slipped from her grasp. Jane ran from the queue; bumping into people as she went. Seeing her run, Alfie and Danielle shot to their feet and followed her. With her hand clamped over her mouth, Jane dashed into the girls’ bathroom, ignoring the glares she received and letting out a mass of waste and anxiety into the nearest cubicle. The girls quickly filed out of the room; squealing as if they’d seen a mouse than someone being sick. Danielle pushed her way through and ran to Jane; quickly pulling her hair back from her face. 

“It’s okay, it’s okay” she whimpered. Jane retched over again. Heavy groans and plops echoed from the toilet. She sobbed loudly, her whole body shaking. Danielle felt her eyes begin to string, as she rubbed her friend’s back. It just made things worse. Jane doubled over again. There was no particular smell, just the smell of panic and sweat. She’d been doing so well, she thought, And for what?