The R Word (On Hold)

Chapter 9 - A Way to Cope

Kate found her daughter sitting in her bed; her eyes closed and her black BEAT headphones over her ears; bombarding her with loud music. As much as she wanted to scorn her and warn her about going deaf, Kate knew it was her way of dealing with stress. To block out everything and concentrate solidly on the lyrics and the beats, no matter how despairing and obnoxious they sounded. 

On this particular day, Kate could just about make out the lyrics and a shiver coursed with her; just as Jane's hands tightened around her knees. You bury me alive/ And everybody's gotta breathe somehow/ Don't leave me to die/ Too consumed by your own emptiness and lies...

Swallowing, Kate moved into her bedroom and sat on the end of her bed. She heard her daughter sigh loudly and her eyes opened. Kate smiled at her, as Jane turned her music player off and removed her headphones with an ashamed look on her face.

"Hey mum" she mumbled, looking at her hands, "How long were you standing there?"

"Long enough" she uttered, "What was that song you were listening to?"

Jane looked up, gulping before replying "Bury Me Alive by We Are The Fallen. Charlie, one of Alfie's friends got me into it"

"It sounds...good" she mused, her cheeks twitching against her lie. Jane laughed, seeing it without trouble and moved in closer to her mother, "You're a terrible liar, Mum"

"I know" Kate giggled, reaching forward to pat her daughter's leg "It was very loud. Turn it down next time please. I don't want you to go deaf before you're twenty. You'll never get it back"

That's another thing you'll never get back, taunted a red-eyed demon; snarling and laughing at Jane's internal anguish. She nodded stiffly; suddenly eager to release a chest full of scream, "Sorry. But I just needed to. It calms me down"

"I know" her mum replied softly, "Your father told me what happened"

Both women immediately looked at the door, and then at each other. Jane's cheeks burned, her gaze once more falling to her hands. "I've already apologised to Dad about the door-"

"Jane, it's just a door" her mum sighed, "Easily replaced"

"Then, why is Dad stressing out about it?" she grumbled. Kate looked away and sighed, "He's stressed, because of what happened before that. He said you fainted. Is that true?"

Jane hesitated; her mother watching her carefully, "Yes. I must have locked the door and fainted. Alfie obviously heard me collapse and had to break it in to get to me"

"Jane, what really happened? I can see it in your eyes that you're hiding something. You can tell me, you know that?"

"Mum, I know I can but there's nothing to tell" she lied, "I fainted. That's all"

"And what about today at college? You seemed fine before you left. Why were you sick?"

"I don't know...nerves maybe?"

Kate rolled her eyes, feeling she was getting nowhere, "Jane, I can't help you if you don't tell me-"

"Why is it so hard for you to believe that shit just happens? I didn't ask for it, Mum. It just happened, okay?" Jane said, realising she was shouting.

Her mother was staring at her, staring at her like a stranger. Jane didn't mean to shout. She wasn't even aware she was, until it was too late. She wanted to comfort her mother, whose eyes were now watering but she didn't. She wanted to say she was sorry and that she didn't mean any of it. But she didn't. She couldn't apologise for something she meant. Jane had told the truth. Shit had happened to her, shit she didn't ask for. And no matter how much she tried, her mother would never understand that. She couldn't change what happened to her. No amount of hugs could comfort her. No amount of words could remove the memory and pain of the event.

Jane exhaled, moving back to her original spot against her headboard and instinctively reached for her headphones again. Kate swallowed hard, getting to her feet and leaving the room without a backward glance. She was halfway down the staircase, when she heard Jane scream; the noise muffled by her pillow or by her hand. Kate felt sick, as she continued on down the stairs; leaving her daughter to deal with her demons alone.

Screaming was just another way to cope.

--

Jane, much to her dismay, was back in the college the next day. The day had started off promising. Her mother, after much convincing, gave her the okay to go back; just as long as she promised to call her if anything was wrong. Jane agreed, just happy to be back in her good books. As she had hoped, Danni agreed to walk with her to college. On the down side, she was talking about Steven all the way there.

As they turned into the park, Danni cleared her throat and Jane looked at her, waiting. She watched her friend struggle; her mouth opening and closing like a fish and her fingers drummed on her folder nervously.

Jane laughed, "Let it out already"

"Okay!" exclaimed Danni, grinding to a halt just outside the children's area. Her brunette hair was bouncing around her shoulders today, her shoulders bare. And, to Jane's disgust, she could just about make out the fresh hickey on her neck. In that moment, she knew what was coming next.

"Jane, can I ask you a question?" she said, looking at her feet. Jane hesitated, "Yeah, of course"

"Have you and Alfie...you know..."

Jane's mouth dropped open. It took her a moment to recover, but when she eventually did, she shook her head. Sure, they came close once or twice, but Jane wasn't going to admit that. As much as she trusted Danni, she couldn't trust her with every little detail of her relationship with Alfie. Not when her boyfriend...was who he was.

"No" Jane said quietly, "Not yet. Why?"

Danni reached back to stretch her head, "I asked, because me and Steven are thinking about it"

"Why would you do that?" Jane blurted out without thinking. Danielle looked at her, almost bewildered "Because he's my boyfriend, Jane. Why else? We've been together for nearly ten months now and I don't know...I feel it's time to...take it the next level"

"Yeah, I get that" her voice shaking, Jane dropped her gaze to the ground, "I just... I just don't see the rush"

Danni sighed loudly, "Did you hear me? Ten months! Most couples...you know...do it in half that!'

"Yes, I heard. Ten months" grumbled Jane, her stomach turning again, "And since when do you care what other couples do?"

“Since the day Steven said he loved me” exclaimed Danni, red faced. Clearly Jane wasn’t giving her the support and advice she was asking for. She let out a breath and massaged her head, “I just don’t want to be a thirty year old virgin”

Jane shuddered, quickly pretending it was the wind. The subject was making her uncomfortable, no doubt about it. It made things even worse because she knew what Steven was really like. And simply imagining him with Danni…Jane shivered again. He was all wrong for her. He was twisted and manipulative. A user with endless hungers. He’d no doubt take what he wanted and just leave her high and dry.  He said he loved her, but how much of that was really true, Jane wondered. But looking at her now, she couldn't bring herself to burst her bubble. With her parents' marriage on the rocks, it must have been nice for her to know that love did still exist, however in the wrong person it was.

"As if you'd wait until you're thirty" Jane giggled, quickly remembering how Danni had already planned out her life like a road trip. First, she’d go to college then university. She would get her degree, her masters if she could manage it. She wanted to be married by twenty six the latest. She wanted children, preferably two maybe three. She wanted a daughter to spoil. She wanted a son to protect his sister. She wanted to build up her life, her career and then at its peck and most secure, settle down and start a family. That was the plan. But of course, plans never go the way you envisioned. Jane was solid of that. Without thinking too far ahead, Jane shook herself and smiled up at Danielle, who was looking annoyed.

"Come on, we're got to go. I can't be late" Jane urged her, pulling her gently by her arm and leading her towards the college. They had just passed through the college barriers, their cards allowing them access, when Danielle pulled Jane to the side quickly. The bell falling quiet overhead.

"So?" Danielle asked, jumping slightly on the spot.

Jane stared at her, confused "So?"

"What do you think? Should me and Steven-"

"Why are you asking me?" she shrieked quietly, not wanting other people to hear.

"Because, Jane you're my best friend! And telling each other what we plan to do with our boyfriends is kinda the thing"

"Well it shouldn't be!" Jane hissed, startling Danni. She pinched her nose and sighed "Look...in the nicest possible way, I really don't want to know what you plan to do with Steven. I just don't want to know, okay?"

Danni stepped back, a horrified expression on her face "Why on earth does it bother you so much? You've seen us together longer than anyone else. Why is it suddenly a bad thing? I do love him, you know?"

Jane gritted her teeth, "I know you do, but whatever I say you'll just ignore. So what's the point?" 

Danni shook her head and cocked a smile, sarcastically, "You're right. There is no point. Forget I asked"

"Danni, wait!" Jane called, as she brushed past her and stormed away; her hands held tightly around her folders and her back straight and proud. As the atrium started to empty, Jane became tempted to skip her class and just study in the library for the morning. But knowing she'll be missing valuable information, not to mention another one of her tutors, Jane decided against it and followed in Danni's footsteps up the staircase to the first floor.

You should stay home...just for one more day her mother had said. 

Damn, I should have listen to her, Jane cursed herself, opening the door to her classroom and again, catching the wrong attention from her peers and new teacher, Andrew Mills.

This is Kate Parkinson a.k.a Diane Kruger. Is she how you pictured Jane's mother? Leave comments below >>