The R Word (On Hold)

Chapter 24 - Strength

Long after Danni had gone home and her parents went to sleep, Jane lay in her bed; reading and re-reading her fortune. It was only a few words and yet, they mystified and terrified her. The message looked so simple but to Jane, who had an over-analytic mind and a fascination with all things cosmic, she looked for other meanings, other clues that could help her. 

"Oh for God's sake!" she exclaimed, crunching the paper up and throwing it across the dark room. She heard a slight tap as the paper fell onto the wooden floor, and then all was silent. She groaned, washing her hands over her face. "Stop, just stop," she urged. 

It was so pointless, all of it was. She was looking things that weren't even there. Maybe it meant nothing. Maybe it meant everything. Either way, she would never find out.

She sat up, letting out a long sigh and looking out her window. A full moon was high in the sky, and was surrounded by silver clouds. She rolled back her duvet and stumbled over to the window ledge; resting her head on her arms just as she did when she was a child. As she stared, she listened. Jane could hear the light snores coming from her parents' room, the singing of crickets in the garden and the distant barking of a dog or two. Everything seemed so normal, almost peaceful.

And after the day she'd heard, surrounded by laughter and talk, she was grateful for the silence. The day had had its highs and lows, she reflected. Keeping conversation with Danni had been hard at first, especially when the subject of him came up. Just the sound of his name continued to make her tremble and her stomach roll violently, but she managed to control herself.

Barely.

She wondered when the nausea would stop. When she would be able to stand the sound of his name, his own voice and presence. That day seemed so far away.

It got easier somewhat, more so after her phone call from Alfie, which consequently led Danni to bug her with questions about their relationship. Jane shook her head, grinning slightly. She found as long as she talked about Alfie, she was fine. Of course she was. She couldn't very well talk about herself. Her parents didn't do anything out of the ordinary, and she certainly didn't want to talk about college or work or the future.

Alfie was all she had. 

Her smile fell. "God, I'm so sad," she moaned, pushing herself off the ledge. She turned on her bedside lamp and paced quietly around the room. 

Long before she and Alfie even started dating, Jane had promised herself that she wouldn't be one of those girls who ditched everything - friends, school and family - to be with their boyfriend. She was determined to find a good medium between the people she loved. She didn't want to alienate her friends, or cause them discomfort by always talking about him. She didn't like it, so why would they?

In the months leading up to their finally getting together, Jane believed she had fulfilled her promise. She didn't inform Danni about every little thing. She never asked for advice or gossiped about Alfie behind his back. She was good at keeping her social and love life separate.

But now, everything seemed and felt out of balance. She was ditching college. She was abandoning Danni. In some instances, she preferred the company of Julie - Alfie's mother - than her own.

She was becoming the very thing she had vowed never to become: a needy girlfriend.

Jane stopped in her tracks, her hands on her hips. "Wonderful. Just what I need right now," she hissed.

Just then, she caught her reflection in the mirror. In the dim light, she looked hideous. Her hair was all over the place, her eyes looked darker than usual and her pyjamas had the habit of making her look huge.