The R Word (On Hold)

Chapter 37 - Changed

The moment Jane walked into college, she knew people were staring. And why wouldn't they? Her maroon dress was knee length, boat necked and slimming. Her black tights showed off her fine legs, her heeled boots depicted her height and - more for effect - she wore a cute, black leather jacket and a heart-shaped locket round her neck. Her hair looked lighter than ever. For a girl as reserved as she, it was absolutely daring and totally out of character. It was more than an unusual sensation to feel dangerous, even sexy, but Jane embraced it. Despite the fact that everyone was looking at her, she wasn't bothered. Instead, she revelled in it. She found strength in it.

Inside, she was jumping and clapping with joy. She'd leapt an important hurdle: confidence in herself. Since the attack, she'd been more than anxious about her appearance. At the same time as wanting to show off, to show that she had moved on, she didn't want any unnecessary attention; especially from Steven. Jane took a deep breath or two, scanning the crowded hall for Danni and Alfie.

Neither of them had phoned or texted to meet up, but she didn't mind. It was off putting, sure, but not dire. Danni was pissed at her, Alfie too. They needed their space to calm down and Jane recognised that. Besides, it was an opportune moment to think and prepare herself for the day. 

Having read her poem over and over, the more confident she felt about it. It was miserable and dark, but that was the point. Speak was not a story about sunshine and rainbows. It was real in it's plot. Abuse, anxiety, even depression, were all real things. People were living with them everyday. Jane had experienced it first hand. It was far from a fairy tale, and people needed to realise that if they hadn't already. She hoped her poem did just that. 

I may not be able to say it directly but I can highlight it., she thought. I can make them aware. 

Just then, her phone vibrated within her jacket pocket. She fished it out quickly and saw a text message. It was Alfie:

You look amazing xxxx

Not a heartbeat later, another message came through.

We're by the library. Hurry up! ;)

With a grin, Jane pocketed her phone and headed towards the library; her heels clonked as she walked on. Heads turned. Eyes followed her, and strangely she felt empowered. She turned her head up slightly; letting the sensation take over and control her.

Alfie was absolutely stunned. Jane knew instantly by his starstruck expression; wide, shining eyes and open mouth. He looked as if he wanted to jump out of his chair and embrace her too passionately for public view. The idea made her blush. Danni was grinning at her; already getting out her seat to meet her. Jane didn't waste time on Steven. At the end of the day, she didn't care what he thought. At least, not right in that moment when she was high on cloud nine.

"God Jane!" gushed Danni, taking her hands and looking her over. "You scrub up amazing!"

Jane giggled. "What, this? I just er... fancied a change."

"Well I like it. You look great," she laughed; a healthy red in her cheeks. She was almost glowing.

"You too. I never would have said you were ill."

Jane studied her friend carefully. Danni wasn't at all pale, but she did look tired; not weak, just tired. She had dark circles around her eyes, despite her apply of make up. Then, there were her clothes. She wasn't wearing her usual style. She was dressing down, as if to be comfortable rather than attractive. She wore skinny jeans with tears on the knees, trainers and "I Love London" purple hoodie. Her hair was in the usual ponytail.

Jane shook herself and smiled. "Listen Danni, what happened this weekend-"

Danni waved her quiet. "Really, don't worry about it. I may or may not have...overreacted slightly the other day. It's just been a stressful time and I was taking it out on you-" she went on.

"Too right you did," Alfie chimed in, standing and joining their conversation.

"Alfie-" Jane started; shaking her head, willing him to forget it, but Danni beat her to it.

"No he's right," she agreed. "I was stressed and angry. I had no right to ruin your time together so, I'm sorry."

Jane sighed with a small smile. She squeezed her hands before drawing Danni into a hug.

"It's okay," she whispered in her ear. "I'm just glad you're better."

Danni chuckled, the sound sourced deep within her throat. "Yeah. Me too. It was hit and miss at times. I'll tell you more later."

"Okay."

The bell rang out suddenly; making the girls jump slightly but not break apart. The hall erupted into movement. Conversations and protests grew louder. Chairs scrapped across the floor; pushed back and abandoned by hurrying and panicking students. Late breakfasts and second cups of coffee or tea sat on the tables; empty and cold.

"Sorry for ruining this lovely moment, but we better get going," said Alfie. Jane caught his eye and beamed. He returned it without strain; what happened last night completely forgotten.

Danni pulled away, grinning as she retrieved her bag and books from underneath the table. Jane felt a hand snake round her waist. Alfie pushed himself close to her; the smell of his shaving gel clouded her senses.

"Morning beautiful," he whispered in her ear. He then kissed her cheek. "Sleep well?"

She glanced up at him and nodded. "Very well. You?"

He shrugged. "I've had better," he admitted.

Jane felt a twinge of guilt in her heart, and entwined her hand with his. "I'm sorry for last night. It was late and I was tired-"

"We'll talk about it later," he sighed.

"We will?"

Alfie nodded, squeezing her hand. "If you want."

"I do," she insisted without thought. He smiled, bringing their hands to his mouth and kissing them; his gaze fixed on her. 

"Good, he said softly, intimately. 

"Come on lovebirds!" cheered Danni suddenly, making them both turn. She was standing next to Steven, hand in hand. "We've really got to go."

With Alfie by her side, they followed Danni and Steven across the hall and up the emptying staircase to the second floor. Their footsteps bounced off the walls around them, Jane's in particular and she had to smile to herself. Other times she would be cursing her shoes for making noise, for drawing attention, but now she liked it. She was making herself known now. She wasn't invisible anymore. Her smiled widened. 

"God, I hate these stairs," gasped Alfie suddenly, slightly red in the cheeks. 

"The exercise is good for you," giggled Jane, although her own legs were aching slightly. He must have recognised the strain on her face, before he started to chuckle.

"Is it now?" he asked, his tone sly. "So tell me. How are your legs?"

Rather than give herself away, she stuck her tongue out at him; swatting his shoulder with her other hand. Then, casually, she looked up as Danni and Steven passed through the second floor doors, only to see Steven staring at her. Their eyes locked and the once weightless air between them changed.

Dramatically.

He'd been unusually quiet. It was hard to ignore. Since she'd arrived, he hadn't said a word; yet spared a glance in her direction. In fact, he hadn't looked at anyone, not even Danni. The one time Jane had looked at him, he was staring down at the table' arms crossed with a brewing expression on his face. What was he thinking so hard about? What had happened to cause this? What was he planning?

You're going to ruin your good mood if you keep digging, warned her subconscious. Stop before it's too late.

Jane looked away first. She heard him make a triumphant humph sound, but she ignored it. She couldn't let him in again. She couldn't allow him to ruin her good mood. She couldn't lose this new found confidence, not when it's taken such a long time to get it back. So, she cleared her mind the best she could. As she and Alfie continued down the corridor, she focused instead on her poem and how Debbie would react if she was late.