The R Word (On Hold)

Chapter 16 - Heart to Heart

Jane's lesson with Debbie went by without incident. If she was honest with herself, she'd let it go by without taking anything in. In one ear and out the other. Debbie sensed her closure and avoided asking her questions. It was typical for teachers to ask those students not buying attention.

But she was not typical. At least, she tried not to be.

The bell rang outside and Jane jumped out of her thoughts. All around her, the class was packing up and laughing and leaving. She was the last one again. Not that she minded.

"Jane," called Debbie from her desk.

"Yeah?"

"May I speak with you for a moment?"

Jane opened her mouth, willing a good enough excuse, but nothing came. She looked to the door, then back at Debbie. She wondered if Alfie was waiting outside for her.

Probably not, she thought. Not after how I treated him.

"Okay."

Jane sat down in front of Debbie's desk and waited anxiously for the talk to begin. Strangely enough, her tutor seemed to have a greater trouble speaking than she did.

"Are you okay?" asked Debbie. "Its just...you don't seem like yourself today."

"I'm fine," replied Jane, almost robotic.

Debbie sighed. "You know what? 95% of the time when girls say that, they are not okay. I know I'm just your tutor, but I want to help you Jane. I've been in your shoes-"

"No you haven't," spat Jane unexpectedly.

"Excuse me?"

"No, you haven't been in my shoes," she reaffirmed. "And I hope you never have to. I hope no one ever has to."

Debbie, startled, leaned back into her chair and stared at Jane with new eyes. "Jane, what's on your mind?"

Jane laughed, shaking her head. "The number of people who have asked me that question-"

"People ask because they care about you Jane," said Debbie, with a gentle smile. "You went through quite an ordeal and you shouldn't have to face it alone."

Jane looked to her hands, holding her breath. She's talking about the animal attack, she's talking about the animal attack, she said to herself over and over. She doesn't know, no one knows.

"But, Debbie, I am alone," Jane croaked, slowly meeting her gaze. "No one understands because no one else lived through it, they didn't experience it. How are they supposed to understand something that didn't happen to them?!"

"Have you tried to talking to people who have?" suggested Debbie, trying to ignore the rush of her heart.

Jane sighed. "I-I...no. No, I haven't."

"Why not?"

"Because its my burden to bear."

"Says who?" spat Debbie. "Who said you have to deal with this by yourself?"

Jane stared at her tutor. "I do. I say so."

"Then you're listening to the wrong person, Miss Parkinson."

Jane's mouth dropped slightly, the intensity of her words crashing around her.

Debbie smiled, leaning forward. "I know how easy it is to get caught up in your own lie. You wake up every morning and near on convince yourself that today will be the day when everything changes. When everything goes back to the way it was before," she sucked in a breath and pointed at Jane, at her mouth. "You smile and tell your loved ones you're okay because you have to, don't you? I mean, who wants to be worried over? Not you or I that's for sure. And you know what I mean, when I say the pain never really goes away. It's always there, on the edge of our thoughts, nagging and chatting away. Its like having your own personal demon on your shoulder."