Catching you

14

Haley Scott

What am I doing?

I question myself again and again. Why do I feel so comfortable, so safe, so understood... so me with Jason. With Dean I always tried to be more. More positive, more understandable, more funny, more smart, more...someone else.

With Dean I always had the feeling that I with all my strength and my weaknesses was not good enough, so I tried to be more. However, then it turned out I was still not good enough.

However, with Jason I can be plain old me and he thinks it is totally okay. He really is interested in me and my life and what makes me me. With Jason I feel worthy and like a really fascinating person.

Jason himself is an intriguing person. I find myself wanting to know more and more about him and wanting to spend time with him.

This is crazy! Dean broke up with me two days ago and I am already feeling things for another boy.

I shake my head and try to concentrate on my studying, but Jason's message is too present in my brain.
Why did I flirt with him? And why does he flirt back? He said yesterday that he wants to make me his, but what does that even mean?

I groan, close my eyes and bury my head in my hands. How can Jason affect me like this? With Dean it was never like this.

I try to shove Jason and all these thoughts aside and pay attention to my notes again. I manage to study for two hours, when a knock interupts me yet again.

Matt sticks his head into my room and asks me: "Can we talk?"

I already decided that I studied enough for today so I welcome his distraction.

"Sure, come in!", I tell him with a smile.

I do not know what this is about so I am curious when Matt closes the door for privacy and jumps on my bed to sit there.

"What's wrong Matty?", I ask him now worriedly.

He quickly shoots me a disapproving look for calling him Matty, a name I called him since he was born, but he lets it go and wants to know: "How are you?"

Surprised I do not know what to say, but I manage to tell him: "I'm alright."

Matt looks me up and down like he is searching for something, but comes up empty.

"What?", I want to know, "Is there a stain somewhere?". I look down onto my grey sweater, but find nothing.

"No, I'm just worried.", Matt admits sheepishly.

Confused I pull my eyebrows together and ask: "Why? Is everything okay in school?"

Now Matt is the confused one, but composes himself quickly and responds: "Yeah everthing's fine. I'm just confused about you! You look so happy."

Glad that Matt is not in problems, I cock my head to the side and want to know: "Am I usually not happy?"

Matt looks at me for a moment like he is thinking about how to put it, but then gives up an tells me: "You're happy most of the time, but not since Dean started competitive dancing. Now he broke up with you and here you are, happy like you used to be."

My mouth forms an o, but I quickly ask Matt: "And that bothers you?"

He nods his head and admits: "I knew Dean wasn't good for you and you being happy again just confirms it, I'm just worried that you'll take him back."

I smile softly at Matt and try to understand. "So you think me being happy again has something to do with me making up with Dean?"

Matt nods his head and I try to reassure him: "Don't worry Matt! Dean and I won't be getting back together. I know he's better off without me and to be honest I think he knew that for quite some time."