A Shade Darker ✔️

{Chapter Twenty Six}

Feels Like Home

June 27th, 2017

Mike

I stared at the ceiling with my hands folded across my chest, the emotions rolling around in my mind and not letting me sleep.

Ashley's shallow breathing next to me signals that she's asleep, and my heart thumps with a sorry pain that makes me cringe. How could I have been so...so...out of control?

It's like one taste of her and her sweet lips and I was done for. I might as well have just accepted a stake through the heart. How could she ever forgive me? I've ruined everything now. I've ruined every emotion she felt for me and it was my own fault.

I've hurt the woman I...

I glance over at her and feel my heart begin to beat quicker, thump harder and louder. A scared feeling jumps through me as I stare at her. Could I admit it to myself? Is this what I was feeling?

Did I really love her?

And then she rolls over in her sleep and sighs, facing me now with the blankets up to her chin and her dark eyelashes flush against her cheeks.

And I know with a smile, with one glance at her that all the answers seem so clear. That not only was I in love with her, but I loved her.

I had never loved a woman before, never, and this is what it felt like. It felt like fireworks, it felt like eating your favorite food, it felt like the most wonderful, exhilarating thing in the world. And yet it also felt like now I was keeping a dirty secret.

I stare at the ceiling again and sigh, closing my eyes.

Know that I knew how I felt, I had to get her to forgive me. It didn't seem possible for me to be without her now, I couldn't live without seeing her face.

I couldn't live with a secret, and I couldn't live with a lie. I was an honest man, and a brave one. The truth will set you free.

Therefore...

I look over at her again and her eyes are open as they narrow at mine. I swallow this ball in my throat and try to ignore the heart beat in my ears.

"What secret? Tell me" Had I been talking out loud, or was this all a dream?

I reach out and touch her arm, just to make sure that she had said the words.

She smiles a little and I've concluded that I've woken her by talking to myself.

"If you're going to kiss me again, then please warn me first" I pull my hand away and look back up at the ceiling.

Maybe I wasn't as confident and brave as I thought. If I told her, she'd run away for sure.

I can see her face change out of the corner of my eye, a frown coming upon her lips and a sad look in her eyes.

"Hey...c'mon just tell me. If there's something you should know about me, it's that I can keep a secret" She's serious, I know she is, but I need her here with me.

I can't drive her away.

But I can't see her dad or mad at me either. I look over at her and start out slowly.

"I'm in love with you" She smiles. That's a good sign, but it's smug as she laughs.

"I know that already, you big doof!" She playfully slaps my arm and the humor in her eyes makes me smile.

It fades quickly though as I state softly;

"But...you aren't in love with me" Her eyes go through a number of emotions before they glance at the liquor glass on the dresser.

She wants to forget it, she wants to forget I've said it.

"I..." She sighs heavily and pulls her knees to her chest. I feel as though I've almost already made a mistake.

"I am in love with you, we've been over all of this, remember? We've already established that you've gotten me to fall for you" But her words are quiet and she won't look at me.

Her words don't make my heart warm even though I suspect they are true. They make me want to back away and drink until I could not remember as well.

I hear her throat clear before she swings her legs over the bed and steps out. I watch her walk to the window with her arms crossed over her chest, only in her thin camisole that I remember pushing up on her thighs just hours ago.

I cringe and grab my head in my hands. I've ruined everything. Again.

She opens the window and let's the drapes blow in the breeze. The storms were gone and all that was left was the chilly breeze that seemed unfit for summer. It blows her camisole around her legs and even from her I can see the shiver she has, making goosebumps cover the skin on her arms and breasts.

Little whisps of her hair whip around her face and her eyes are distant looking as she gazes out at the trees. The breeze drifts farther into the room now, bringing with it the after smell of rain, consisting of dirt, worms, and earth.

"Come here, Mike. Come stand with me" She calls softly, not tearing her gaze from the window and what lies outside of it.

Slowly, I rise from the bed and feel the cool breeze hit my bare chest. My feet pad against the hard wood. She hears my footsteps and reaches her arms behind her to offer me Her hands.

I grab them and she pulls my chest flush against her back, wrapping my arms around her and holding them there.

She leans her head back against my shoulder and closes her eyes, letting the breeze cool us.

"Tell me the secret, Mike" She whispers, her voice sounding like the wind.

Lilacs and the sweet scent of her natural skin calms me and reminds me of what I need to tell her.

I press my cheek against her and close my eyes. I couldn't bear to see the look in her eyes when I told her the truth.

"I love you. I'm in love with you, but I love you like a man is supposed to love his wife. I cannot keep the secret from you any longer" She turns in my arms and faces me, makes me open my eyes.

She wraps her arms around me tightly and stands on her toes to whisper:

"Make love to me, Mike"

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