i'll always be around

exhausted & heartbroken

*thoughts of a very exhausted, very heartbroken teen*

well, here i am again. it's not too late, it's actually only nine o'clock. but here i am. i'm extremely tired, and my heart hurts more than it has in a long time. i haven't quite felt this way in a long, long time. it wasn't even real rejection, at least, i didn't see it that way, but it might've been.
it's not like they told me to burn in hell and they didn't want to ever talk to me again, but they did enough that it definitely hurt. it might've even been better if they did tell me to burn in hell? because them at least i would've known how they felt.
right now, i'm just tied up and at a lack of words. they're probably going to read this, and i'll be exposed for saying i had to go to bed, but at least they'll know what's going on.
they didn't tell me they loved me when i said goodnight. that might not seem like a big deal, but it's kind of our thing. they didn't say anything after i basically poured my heart and all of my emotions or to them. i don't know if they just didn't know what to say, or what was going on, but it hurt like hell.
it's actually more than a little stupid that i even began to feel like this in the first place.
this always happens, i always drift away from people i love. it's starting to happen with them. i told them to keep me from leaving, but they didn't even put up a fight. i don't want to lose them, but i can already feel it happening.
i'm sick, and i'm tired. not really sick, but i feel sick.
i have to go to school tomorrow. people will ask me if i got any sleep, because the bags under my eyes will be more prominent than usual. i'll reply with some bullshit story about how i didn't sleep at all, and did some fun stuff all night.
but that's not what happened, i was just having nightmares with graphic visions of these things, these demons, these monsters. my feelings, my guilt.
i don't want to go to sleep tonight, but i will. and when those nightmares come, i'll power through them. i'll get through it.
but really, i feel like shit.
i'm going to try to get some sleep, after reading "tomorrow" by oceanicdaniel (yeah i did that in the middle of a fucking sad rant #spon)
all of you guys should read it, it's so good, and it makes me smile.
i love all of you, even when i'm tired and upset as hell.
even you, yeah, you.
goodnight, x.