First Love (David & Liza)

Chapter 39

January, 2016

As the final credits start rolling I loudly yawn, closing the laptop and tossing it to the floor. The movie literally just ended and I can't even remember what it was about. I sink deeper under the covers, my eyes roaming around. I've always seen myself as a strictly organized person and my parents are very proud of the fact that I can keep my bedroom tidy and clean for more than a few hours. I have a simple, but effective system - every little thing I own has its own place, so if I need something I know exactly where to find it and I don't have to spend a decade searching for it. I've even organized the clothes in my closet by seasons and colours. But right now it's more like somehow my room had survived several atomic explosions and a few tornados within the past week. To say that it's "messy" wouldn't be even close to what it is in reality. I can count at least 6 large pizza boxes, 8 empty orange juice cartons, 5 already greasy Chinese take-out boxes and 4 big jars of Nutella. Only God knows how many more of these are scattered downstairs all over the kitchen and the living room. I let a loud sigh as I come to the conclusion that now I'm officially a disgusting pig.

I don't know how many days had been since I've left the house, I kind of stopped counting after the third one. Actually, I think that to feel cozy and protected behind the walls of my home is enough for me. At least for now. The first few days after that night were bad, like extremely bad. The entire first day I've spend in my bed crying, sleeping, crying some more and falling asleep again. The next day was pretty much the same, but there were tons of food included. But on the third day the fridge and pantry ran out of food and I ran out of tears, so I decided to make a bold move and order pizza. After that my "daily routine" had been completely the same every single day, although as I think about it now, it seems more like a pity party than a routine, but that's just details. I've spend the majority of time in my room either sleeping or stuffing my face with junk food and watching movies and shows on Netflix on my laptop. But they're more like a sound in the background as I've continuously been replaying that night over and over again in my head, causing a very bad headache in the end. I know I shouldn't, but I still feel guilty and responsible for what happened and I think about it all the time. What could I have done to prevent it? That question is stuck in my head since day one and I sill can't figure the right answer. I've never felt more lonely, exhausted and depressed my whole life. I know, it isn't a pretty picture.

I reach out to the nightstand and grab my phone. Everyone have been calling and texting me, but I just couldn't reply. So the only thing that came to my mind was to block them and keep hiding. The only two contacts I left are those of my parents and the delivery guys.  Believe me, I wanted to make those two calls and I've been so, so close of doing it hundreds of times, but the result was me just staring at the digits for a very long time.

As I take a look at the clock on the screen I also notice the date and my eyes automatically widen. I've reached a higher level in being miserable, because I've wasted the first 10 days of the new year doing absolutely nothing but eating and sleeping. 10 days! I thought it was almost a week, but I guess that when you stay locked inside your home you completely lose track of time. According to my phone, tomorrow is the first day of school after the winter break. I'm so not ready to walk in those crowded halls again with everybody's judging eyes glued in my direction and I'm absolutely not prepared to meet them. Them. The two people I need so much, I love so much, I miss so much. A hot wave flows all over my body, my heart starts beating faster, my palms start sweating, I have the feeling that I'm suffocating. Panic attack! I close my eyes and take a few deep breaths. Calm down, calm down, Liza! No, I can't go there, I can't face them. It's too soon and I'm not ready. I can't go. I won't go. I'm not going!

As I open my eyes I take the phone again and scroll down the contacts list till I find the name of my savior. I hesitate for a second before my finger presses the green icon next to it.