HIS DIARY √ soonhoon [editing]

90 - The Letter

My Dearest Hoshi,

Ayo Ayo ~ ! Hello Kwon Soonyoung, Hoshi, Kwon fiyah, Ten Ten .. do you remember the first day we met? Way back sophomore days, December 16, 2010. Oh how could I ever forget that date.

For the very first time I saw you, I became interested. You are that person who contradicted my idea of forever. You are that person who made my heart beat faster everytime we were together. Remember the stargazing? That was the night when you had me. That was the night when I realized that you are way more beautiful than those shining stars in the sky. It was the day when I knew that this would be my first time to love someone in a way I never imagined. People admire you because they saw you as beautiful, but I, I saw you as the reason why the world was beautiful. Don't ever forget that.

We used to be together, cuddling close to each other. You gave me hugs tighter than anybody else did. I remember being held in your arms to keep me from harm or even feeling unwanted. You held my hand longer than anybody else did. You always turn the rain into sunshine, the tears into smiles. That's the way you always were.

Ikaw lang rin ang madaling nakakapagpaiyak kay Jihoonie. Ikaw lang rin ang may kakayahang patawanin at pasayahin sya sa pamamagitan lang ng iyong presensya. Ikaw lang ang nakapagpalambot sa puso nyang bato. Hindi nya rin kayang magtago ng sikreto lalo na sayo. Ni hindi ka nya kayang tiisin. Ang makita ngang malungkot ka ay nakakapagpadown sakanya. Ikaw lang rin ang nakakagawa ng mga bagay na sobrang nakakapagpasaya sakanya. At bukod sa pamilya niya, ikaw lang ang nakakakilala ng lubusan sakanya.

Hosh, you had me on my knees. I can give you everything I have just to keep you by my side. But I guess the fate wouldn't let us to be together. Mamimiss ko yung times na binibilihan kita ng paborito mong cola, o kahit anong bagay o pagkain na nagpapasaya sayo. Pa'no kasi, ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit nauubos lagi ang pera ko. Hindi ko sinusumbat o ano, namimiss ko lang talaga. Pati na yung mga ngiti mo na lalong nagpapawala sa mga mata mo, oh I really love it when you smile. Your efforts and surprises, I really appreciate those. Yung mga pang-iinis at pang-aasar mo sakin, yung mga pagpapacute at pagseselos mo. Yung mga halik na ibinibigay mo. Yung mga moments natin together na hindi matutumbasan ng pinakamagarbong date.

Alam kong nasaktan kita dahil sa pagiging selfish ko. Alam kong umiiyak ka ngayon at wala ako dyan para punasan ang mga luha mo. Alam kong nag-iisa ka ngayon dahil wala ako dyan sa tabi mo. Sorry kung hindi ko nasabi sayo ang dahilan ng pag-alis ko. Ni-hindi ko nasabi sayo na mahal kita sa huling pagkakataon.

You are my one and only, for I can't find anyone like you. You are the greatest of all I have met. I couldn't possibly imagine my life without you in it, because it wouldn't be simply a life. But please understand me.

I'm sorry for pain I've caused. I'm sorry for the lies I've told, sinabi ko pa naman sayo na hindi kita iiwan kahit anong mangyari. Nangako ako na lagi lang akong nasa tabi mo. Sorry about that. But believe me, I didn't mean to hurt you. I wanted you to know that I do love you, I do miss you, I do need you, and I hope this heart of mine will be forgiven. Sobrang hirap at sobrang sakit para sakin ng naging desisyon ko pero alam ko naman na para sa'yo rin 'to. Na para satin 'to. Kung hindi man ako gumaling, gusto kong masanay ka rin na wala ako sa tabi mo. Dahil magiging pang habang buhay na yon.

Hosh, I wanted to live with you so much. To be a couple, a family or such. Without you here, it's hard to breath. I feel alone, I feel empty. You know what? I always ask God, why now. Why me. Out of billions of people, bakit ako? Bakit sakin napunta 'to? Bakit ngayon pa kung kelan sobrang saya ko na? Bakit ngayon pa kung kelan sobrang napamahal na 'ko sa mga taong nasa paligid ko, lalo na sayo. Pero siguro ganun talaga. No matter how perfect the situation is, may mga bagay na beyond our control. Soonyoung, I'm tired of what I'm carrying right now. I want to tell you what's bothering inside, but I'm too weak. I'm scared. I'm sick. I'm screw up. I'm hurt. I'm torn. I'm dying.

Hindi ko alam kung ano nang mangyayari sakin. Pero kung dumating man yung time na iwan kita, na mamatay ako. I want you to know that I'm thankful. I'm thankful for having you in my life. That the years we've shared have been full of joy. Thankyou for everything you've done. Marami akong natutunan sayo. Marami akong bagay na nagawa na hindi ko alam na magagawa ko. Mga emosyon na hindi ko alam na mararamdaman ko nang dahil sayo. Mga bagay na tayo lang ang nakagawa. Thankyou kasi nanatili ka sa buhay ko at natiis mo ang kasamaan ng ugali ko. Thankyou for being there in my darkest days. For supporting me. For being understanding. And of course, for loving me. I know you deserve someone better, but you still chose me. Words can't express how thankful I am, how much I love you and how much you mean to me. Soonyoung, you mean the world to me.

Gusto kong ituloy mo lang ang buhay kahit wala na 'ko. Wag na wag kang gagawa ng mga bagay na ikapapahamak mo. Mag-iingat ka palagi. Tandaan mo yung mga binilin at sinabi sayo. Kahit mawala man ako, palagi kitang babantayan at lagi akong nasa tabi mo. Mararamdaman mo naman yun dahil ipaparamdam ko sayo. Ipaparamdam ko sayo na kahit nasa kabilang mundo na 'ko, ikaw parin ang mahal at mamahalin ko.

There's so much I wanted to say to you. To do and feel with you. And if miracle happen by chance, I promise. Babalik ako. Babalikan kita. Maaaring matagalan pero sisiguraduhin kong hindi man sa susunod na taon, o sa susunod pa, pero sa tamang panahon, magkikitang muli tayo. But for now, I will just to say goodbye. To my one and only Prince. To the most handsome man in this world. To the man I loved the most. To my everything. To my Soonyoungie.

Your lovely fairy,
Woozi.