afraid to love [j.u.]

25: smeared ink

shoot, jazmin thought. she didn't know what to do. she didn't expect getting a text from jesus. especially at this time. she decided to deal with it later, and tell joel about grayson. she grabbed her pillow and blanket and rushed into joel's room.

"jazmin i forgot to ask you about this i-i'm so sorry uh.. how'd it go with um, grayson? d-did he treat you well?" joel stuttered.

although joel helped grayson and jazmin get together, deep down he was a little scared. he knows that jazmin has never had a boyfriend. joel knows how guys can be assholes sometimes.

of course he would know. he was one of those guys. maybe this is why he's so scared for his sister. jazmin put down her blanket and pillow and sat down next to joel.

"it was okay..." jazmin trailed off, "we're boyfriend and girlfriend now." she said hesitantly waiting on joel's response.

"oh my gah! really? woah jazmin i'm so proud of youuu!!" joel said pulling jazmin into a hug. she giggled into his chest as she wrapped her arms around joel. this feels good, jazmin thought.

"come on let's get some sleep."

• « • » • « • » •

jesus on the other hand, was still awake and thinking about the text he'd sent two hours ago. 'how'd it go? :)' he wasn't going to cry about this. jesus thought maybe it's a time to move on. it's just a silly crush, he thought, it will go away.

he was laying down on his bed. he looked out the window. it was gloomy day. clouds scattered across the night sky. it almost looked like it was going to rain. jesus liked nights like these. or mornings... whatever it is.

jesus reached from under his bed and got out his little yellow journal he uses to write all his thoughts and feelings in. he was never good at expressing his feelings out loud to other people, so what he does, is write them all down in his journal.

• « • » • « • » •

entry #3

i won't cry about this anymore. i can't cry about this anymore. this is pointless. i'm love with a girl... well- scratch that... i don't know what love is but i strongly like a girl and i'm sure she doesn't like me back.

but i think it's better to think about the positive side of this. i will be able to date other girls, and jazmin will be happy with grayson (if they're dating, but i highly think they are now :/) but those other girls are not like jazmin. what the fuck am i talking about.

give up, jesus, give UP! but i can't... i just can't...

tears are forming in my eyes right now, and there's a lump in my throat.

in a couple of seconds the ink of my pen will be smeared on my paper with my own tears.

i can't keep crying. i don't even know why i want to cry.

oh no. here comes the waterworks. the ink is going to spear any second now.

you know what ? i'll just stop this shit right now. i'm tired. i am so fucking tired. i will write tomorrow when i feel better. i hope .

• « • » • « • » •

jesus closed his journal and threw it across the room along with his favorite pen. he quickly covered his mouth to keep himself from yelling. he doesn't even know why he feels this way. jesus put his back against the headboard with his head his hands. he doesn't know what to feel or think anymore.

it's currently 12:45 and i'm so freaking tired.