Illusion {l.t}

{vii}

It's been 3 months.

Three fucking months.

I woke up once again, naked next to the guy ive been sleeping with everyday for the past what 4 or 5 months?

I got out of the bed and ran to take a shower. The same old shit everyday. I'd wake up naked, go shower, make breakfast, leave, come back at 9pm and the cycle continues. I was tired of this.

I went to the kitchen to make scrambled eggs and bacon.

After i was done, louis walked in smiling at me and sat on the chair.

"Louis" i was going to tell him

The five months we've been messing around together, made me develop feelings for this guy i barely even know. Everytime we touch, i never want to let go. Everytime he holds me, i feel safe with him. I want to kiss him, and mean it, i want to kiss him to show him how much i love him, not how i lust for him. I want to tell him i love him, that i always will. That i always have. I want to feel butterflies in my stomach everytime we touch without pushing it away. I want fireworks to explode inside of me everytime we kiss and not feel weird about that i end up ignoring the feeling. I want us to be real. I want him to protect

me, i want him to make me feel safe when im afraid, him to tell me everything's okay, and that hes here, and he'll protect me and keep me safe. I want him to wipe away my tears when im crying. I want him to make me laugh when im upset, make me smile when im sad, and vice versa. i want to tell him i love him. I want to make love to him. I want to love him and him saying it back yo me, i want to feel loved by him. I want to love him and not feel guilty about it bc we're just sex buddies, and bc of that i shouldn't love him so i end up pushing away my feelings towards him, but im scared. Scared of the response. Scared he'll leave me, and i have nothing again, and be alone again. Im scared he'll leave my life. Im scared.

"Yeah, love?" He asked and looked back to the plate and took a bite

"I have to tell you something"

He continued chewing and waited for me to continue

"I- i don't know how to say this i" i chuckled nervously

He looked at me "just say it"

"I..i uh" how am i supposed to say it? Um hey louis i love you and i want to be in a relationship with you? He'll kick me out. Ugh why is love so hard "I kind of like, i l-" his phone went off

I sigh in relief and shut myself up.

Thank you for saving me

"Hold that thought" he said and answered his phone.

"Hello?"

"Oh hello, love" his eyes sparkled

"Oh, i miss you loads, babe"

"I'll visit whenever i can alright love? I promise"

"Tell them i miss them, and I'll visit soon"

"Okay love, I'll see you soon yeah?"

"Love you, take care, bye"

Ouch.

Is that his girlfriend?

But what about us? Why does he need me if he has a girlfriend?

"You were saying?" He smiled

"Nothing, nevermind" i shot him a fake smile and continued eating

He nodded.

How stupid am i? Ive been having sex with a guy for 5 months who clearly has a girlfriend. Wow a relationship wrecker and a whore. A worthless whore.

I shook my head and stood up taking my plate with me. I put it in the sink.

"I'll see you" i said and walked out of his apartment. I can't believe i never knew about him having a girlfriend. im so disgusted by myself. I don't need anyone to judge me right now, im judging myself, how could i do this? I entered my apartment after the ride i didn't even notice and got ready for work. Ive been working at "Toys R Us" for the past three months. Louis actually got the job for me.

I entered the shop and greeted my manager

"Hello, Christina" my manager greeted me back

I went behind the cashier and waited for costumers.

After my shift was over. I went to my place.

At 11pm, i decided to not go to louis' place today as i felt so guilty and dirty i didn't want to do it anymore.

"Where are you? It's 11" i read Louis' text

"Got sick, can't show up:(" i texted a lie.

"Oh. Get well soon, do you want me to come over and help?"

"No, it's ok."

"Goodnight, love"

"Goodnight, Louis"

I didn't go to his place for a month.

I just went to work then back home everyday. Trying to forget about louis.

I got so disgusted by myself and my acts that i never wanted to see his face again. I didn't want that morning to be reminded again but everyday it would creep back into my mind an thoughts and I'd see his beautiful blue eyes sparkling after hearing the girl's voice from the other end of his phone. His smile that reached his ears, the "i love you, take care" part sounded so real. These thoughts caused me depression, it caused me to hate myself even more, it caused me to harm myself.

Ive been having sex with a guy who had a girlfriend, i was sex buddies with a guy who had a girlfriend.

When i was going to confess my feelings for him, his girlfriend called.

Disgusted from myself, sick of myself.

How could i be so heartless. How could he be so heartless? How could i do such a thing? Why hadn't he mentioned his girlfriend to me before?

Why was this happening to me?

Im such a fuck up

Im such a worthless slag

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Well 1K reads. Thank you:) i suck yea i know ahaha. But heres an update.

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