There Goes My Life *larry mpreg* [au]

Twelve

edit: some of you are being really insensitive and disgusting in the comments. i'm asking you to please be mindful of what you're saying. people have said they've gone through similar situations and for you to comment things like "i laughed" is, in my opinion, disgusting. think before you speak x

Louis can only assume roses are still Eleanor's favourite.

He knows she'll be grateful for whatever he brings her, but he can't help but feel nervous. He hasn't seen her in more than a year, and he literally can't breathe.

His Mum offers to drive him, but he declines, because he feels as though this is something he needs to conquer himself. He sort of regrets coming alone, because now he's scared and shaking and his eyes are tearing up.

Louis takes a deep breath, gripping the red roses and stepping out of his truck. The grass is muddy and wet from the snow, and he watches as his vans slowly get damp. He can't look at anything else.

He remembers exactly where it is. He keeps his head down until he's in the right spot, and he looks up. There it is. The headstone staring right back at him. He bursts into tears as soon as he looks at it, shaking his head and looking down. He feels trapped, claustrophobic in the open space.

"El," He chokes out, gripping the roses. "I-Fuck. El. God. How'd we let this happen?"

There's silence. Louis drops to his knees, feeling the dampness of the ground through his trousers. He stares at the name. He figured he'd be seeing that name on wedding certificates, on diplomas, on a contract for a house. Never on a gravestone. He has to close his eyes and take another deep breath.

"I fucking love you, El," He says after a few moments. "And at first it felt numb, but now I realise exactly what happened. I feel it now. And it took me falling in love again to realise exactly how much this hurts."

Louis wipes his eyes and sighs. "Jesus, you ruined my life and you didn't even do anything. I never thought I'd be back here, I've been trying to avoid Donny as much as possible but I think I need this. For...for closure? I think so. I'm not really sure why."

"And I think you'd want me to move on," Louis says after a few moments. "I think you're watching me up there saying "do it, dumbass" like you did when I wanted to call my dad or when I wanted to tell my mum I was bisexual. You did so much for me and it'd be so much easier to be brave if you were here to help me. I would give anything to have you call me a dumbass one more time, honestly."

He sets the roses down in front of the headstone. "Are roses still your favourites?" He asks softly. "I-I tried to tell Mum-uh, your mum-to use roses for the funeral but they were...I think they reminded everyone too much of you."

"So much has changed," Louis says, and it seems like it's easier to just talk to her now. "I-I met this boy. This fearless, brave boy that I think I want to be with forever. But I wanted to be with you forever too. Um. But I...I got him pregnant-I really am a dumbass-and he seemed to really like me but I fucked it up, god, I fucked it up El. He's...he's this pretty little thing that reminds me of you all the time. And it hurts and I pushed him away because of it and now I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get him back...I don't think I can, babe."

It's quiet again. "I love you, El." Louis sighs and leaves the roses before walking back to his car. He's made peace with it.

♛

"How'd it go, love?"

Louis shrugs, looking down at the hot chocolate his Mum made him. Jay sits down across from him, giving him a small smile. "I'm proud of you, darling, that was very brave of you."

Louis gives his Mum a small smile before his phone goes off. He takes it out of his back pocket and looks to see there's a text from Jade.

I took Harry to his first doctor's appointment today! :) baby is healthy! A bit on the bigger side, but a strong heartbeat!!! I got a recording on the ultrasound on a DVD if you want it!! You can stop by my house.

Louis replies immediately.

Sure, I'll stop by later if that's okay?

yeah, here's my address!

Jade sends her address and Louis smiles, telling his mom about his plans before finishing his hot chocolate.

♛  

Harry answers the door.

It's awkward. Louis just kind of gapes at him for a few moments, looking like a fish out of water, while Harry just raises an eyebrow and stares at him nonchalantly.

"Well?" Harry says questioningly, and Louis' heart is fucking pounding.

"Um, Jade told me I could come over," Louis explains quietly. "T-To get a DVD of the ultrasound."

Harry raises his eyebrows just as Jade walks into the doorway. She gives Louis a warm, but almost apologetic smile, and hands him the DVD case.

"Hello, Louis," She greets, giving Harry a small look. "Here's the ultrasound, babes, I think it's about four minutes along? You'll bawl your eyes out, I bet."

Louis chuckles awkwardly, looking down at the small DVD case. "Thanks," He says, giving Jade a small wave before walking back to his car.

♛

He doesn't bawl his eyes out.

He did, however, shed a few tears as he stared at his laptop, watching the tiny baby move its little legs slowly. The heartbeat is the only sound in the room, besides his sniffling.

There's a knock on his door, and his Mum pokes her head in. "Lou, what's the matter?" She says, and Louis looks up at her and sniffles.

"Mum, look," He says, turning the laptop her way. Jay's expression softens.

"Yours?" She asks, and Louis nods with a sniffle. Jay smiles and walks over to the bed, kissing the top of Louis' head. Louis just wipes his eyes, laughing quietly like he had discovered something amazing.

And, well, he feels like he did.