Back To You - A Camren Story

What Love Is

The next day Camila woke up in her bed, alone. She always used to wake up warm and cozy, it was a thing for her. But that morning she couldn't stop shivering, no amount of blankets could be pulled close enough to her to make her warm. No blanket could take the place of the girl that used to sleep beside her. She was deeply wounded. Nothing made her want to get out of bed, she felt as though there wasn't a reason to live that day. Her lungs felt like they were clogged, her heart sunk every minute. It was like her heart broke on a loop, over and over again, every time a certain someone came to mind. Or the fact that Lauren chose not to believe her, how she chose to believe Lucy's side of the story. Despite who Lauren was in a relationship with, she didn't care. She chose Lucy's side. And that stuck with Camila, every time she inhaled the intoxicating air. She rolled out of bed unwillingly, and forced herself into the shower. She stood there, water running over her hair. She realized how alone she was, how hurt she was. The pain felt like a sharp knife to her gut, it was absolutely unbearable. A few tears came slowly, and then all at once it was like more water was coming from her eyes than the shower. She cried, loudly. She didn't care if that made her weak, she didn't care if it meant she wasn't strong. She didn't care if that meant she didn't love herself or that she cared too much. She just let herself cry, for once without feeling remorseful for it. She was allowed to cry over what was happening, she was allowed to cry over losing the love of her life. Maybe she wasn't even losing her, maybe she had lost her years ago. But it was hitting her now, and she had never felt worse pain. She got out of the shower, and she tried calming herself down. She drank some water and tried putting some mascara on, but she just kept crying. It was pointless. She refrained from wearing the stash of Lauren's clothes that she had, no matter how badly she still wanted the scent of Lauren close to her. She hated herself for still thinking Lauren was a good person, for loving her.
Then surprisingly, she heard her door bell ring. She dreaded that it was possibly Lauren and that she would see her like this. Torn apart over her. She went to answer the door, and surely enough - it was Lauren.

"Can we talk?" Lauren was solemn, trying to seem like she cared for Camila. Camila saw through it, even after trying not to.
Camila nodded, letting her in. Lauren followed her to the living room where Camila sat on the couch. Lauren sat next to her and as soon as she did, Camila moved further from her. Like if she got close enough, she was so fragile she would physically break.

"What do you want?" Camila asked.

"I want another chance. I know that's a lot to ask for... but please." Lauren begged. "Please, Camz."

"Could we tell people about us?"

"Can we not get into this right now? That's not the point."

"No, actually it is the point. It's the exact point I've been trying to get across to you from day 1. Since I was in fucking high school Lauren. Fourteen years old." Camila said.

"You know I can't do that. Not yet, I'm not ready."

"I don't think it's that you aren't ready. I think you're scared, and not of what people will say. I think once people know about us, that it would become real. Like you could really lose me, like you would actually have to put in effort to love me. I think you are scared of that." Camila pointed out.

"I'm not scared." Lauren lied.

"I'm done discussing it though. I expect it now, I know the exact answer you have for whenever I bring it up. I don't care anymore. Well, I do.. but I shouldn't. I want to talk about why you did what you did. Why you went and believed that fucking girl." Camila tried not to cry. "Over your girlfriend. Over me. Your Camz."

"I don't know. I'm sorry, Camila. I truly am. After everything we've been through I'm a serious idiot to believe her over you and I can never tell you how sorry I am for it." Lauren apologized.

"Do you know what a slap in the face that is? That you would just go and believe some girl you've only known for a couple of years? A girl you probably had more sex with than conversation? When I was telling you the damn truth. She made up a story which came out of nowhere, and you believed her. She played you, Lauren. She was the one lying to you. So I hope you do feel tremendously terrible." Camila said.

"I said I'm sorry. Truly. And I care about you so much. Please forgive me." Lauren beckoned.

"There it is again." Camila smiled to herself, because it was easier than crying.

"There's what?"

"The 'I care about you.' It's an almost 'I love you.' But it's never the same. You know you have never said it to me? Not ever. Not in the way I've said it."

"I-" Lauren tried to speak.

"It's fine, I don't need an excuse. I'll just tell you what it feels like. Just so you know." Camila breathed, closing her eyes and gathering the right words to express what she felt.
"It hurts.
And I'm not saying that loving hurts, because love is a beautiful thing to feel, it should be.
It's the most beautiful feeling that exists, and when a person is in love, it consumes their whole life and mind. When a person is in love they want to literally shout it from the rooftops, tell everyone they know, and constantly want to show them off. They could spend hours talking to that person about how much they feel for them, how great their love is. How empowering and unwavering their love is for that person. They could spend so much time talking to that person about the future, their hopes and dreams, their fears, their struggles, and what they've overcome. So I'm not saying that love hurts, because it consumes my mind with thoughts of how much I adore you. I'm saying that it hurts to stand across from you, face to face and pretend that I don't love you. Sitting next to you, feeling my heart beat out of my chest and not even knowing if you can feel that too. Talking to people about you as if you're my friend, that I may or may not know very well... when I am aching to tell everyone how much you mean to me, or little things that only I notice about you. It hurts when I'm having so much fun with you, and I can literally feel myself fall in love with you, and I can't do anything about it. I can't hold your hand or hug you without it being weird or without you pushing me away. I can't treat you as more than a friend around people, due to these secret feelings I have, I can't deny that I am in love. But I also can't deny, that it hurts to be in love this way. It hurts that you constantly hurt me. And it hurts because I know, if you felt this way too... you wouldn't want to keep this a secret. You wouldn't want to keep hurting me."

"So what are you saying?" Lauren asked, scared of the answer.

"I'm saying..." Camila closed her eyes once again as a tear spilled down her cheek. "I love you, but I'm letting you go. I'm not really sure how, because like I said, I'm so in love with you. But I think it does more damage to be with someone who doesn't want you equally, than to not be with them at all, and love the from afar." Camila looked Lauren in the eyes. "And hopefully someday, I'll start to love you a little less."