Back To You - A Camren Story

The Worst Kind of Pain

"Hey It's Camila, I'm unable to come to the phone right now - please leave a message at the beep."

"Camila can you please just pick up the damn phone? I can't lose you okay?" Lauren was close to tears and didn't know what else to say, this was her fourth voicemail. "Just please talk to me. That wasn't goodbye, hell no."
And then the phone beeped, she was out of time. She contemplated calling her again, but she knew Camila was not about to pick up the phone. Lauren thought about the situation more and more, and became even more frantic. What had she done?  She still needed to tell Camila something that could no longer wait, but now she was unsure if she would be able to ever talk to her at all. She had a massive hangover, and didn't remember anything that happened the night before or how she got home, but all she knew was that she had to see Camila. Lauren didn't know how Camila's letter got to her house exactly, but she assumed that Camila came and left it there when Lauren was sleeping. Regardless, Lauren's heart felt like it was about to fall out of her chest. Her stomach hurt and her head was pounding, and all she felt was remorse. She got dressed and took some ibuprofen. Then she ran to her jeep, over to Camila's house.

When she got there, she knocked on the door for about two minutes straight until Camila would let her in. Her head still hurt and she felt sick to her stomach.

"Go away!" Camila shouted from inside the house, but Lauren kept knocking. Camila opened the door, she looked beautiful as always but Lauren could tell she had been crying.

"What's wrong?" Lauren asked, worried.

"Are you seriously asking me that?" Camila huffed. "Wow."

"Camila, I'm sorry. For everything, I am sorry. I am so sorry, Camila please... please don't shut me out. Don't forget about everything we have for the stupid little things that get in the way."

"But they're not little things."

Lauren looked into Camila's soft brown eyes. "Why did you write that letter?"

"Because, Lauren." Camila looked away.

"Because. Okay, makes sense." Lauren couldn't help but fit in sarcasm despite her heart break, and Camila rolled her eyes.

"Because I am brutally in love with you." Camila finally answered, she felt her chest cracking open. "Not deeply in love, not happily in love... but brutally and painfully in love with you. It hurts so much." Her voice cracked, and she tried to hold back more tears. "So for real, this is the end of whatever we were."
Lauren thought about what she wanted to say, and was not sure of the right reply.
"I love you." Lauren almost whispered but it came flying out of her mouth. She expected Camila to be caught off guard and surprised, but Camila's reaction was a lot smaller. Camila almost laughed, but it escaped as more of a sigh. She shrugged her shoulders and looked away, not really knowing what else to say. She couldn't say anything.
"I love you. I said it." Lauren waited for a response. "And we aren't together anymore and you're fine. You don't show up drunk to work, you don't turn to drugs or another person to fill some sort of void.. you don't leave me drunk voicemails or show up at my doorstep at three A.M. You don't find yourself stumbling around everywhere you are, drunk out of your mind to try and get the one thing that your heart beats for, out of your mind. We aren't together and you're just fine. You're saying goodbye to me able to hold yourself together. But I can't say goodbye to you... I can't. I don't even want to try, because I know I can't let myself feel it. I can't even imagine what kind of mess I would be, because how could I be worse than I already am without you?" Lauren spilled her heart out to Camila for the first time in a long time, and all that filled the room was honesty. And Camila's heart ached in that moment, she wanted to run into Lauren's arms and never leave again. She wanted to tell her she loved her and she wanted to spend the rest of her life with her. She wanted to ignore the lies, the denial, and the many times her heart broke over Lauren. All she wanted was Lauren, deep down. And she still knew what she had to do, regardless of what her heart wanted.
"I love you." Camila closed her eyes, knowing for sure that that was the last time she would ever say that to Lauren. "But you're not worth the fight anymore."