Back To You - A Camren Story

Sincerely, Camz

It was the next day, and Camila had barely gotten any sleep after dropping Lauren off at her apartment. Why was Lauren the drunk one? She asked herself, clearly the victim in the situation. She forced herself out of bed, and got dressed in comfortable clothes. She drank some tea and ate oatmeal, and then she was out. She got into her car and drove herself straight to a local bookstore she had heard about. It was quite spacious inside, with a large seating area. It resembled a home-like library, and she felt right at home there. She wandered through isles of countless books, some very old and some fairly new. She found stories that intrigued her, novels that she knew she would adore, and self help books that she could find clarity in. She decided first to read a self help book, on learning to love yourself. She thought it was appropriate for the stage of life she was in, single and trying to find happiness again. Without Lauren.

She sat down on a comfortable, small red love seat, in the secluded reading room. Before she started reading her eyes gazed around the room. Everything was wooden, chiseled to perfection. It reminded her of somewhere else, a different world maybe. It didn't feel like Miami one bit, and she never thought she would want to feel like she wasn't in her home town. She began reading, hoping to find some sort of peace.

Introduction to Self Love.

Happiness. Where does it come from? We all strive to have it, we all fantasize over it. It's the one goal in life most of us strive for overall. So we first need to ask ourselves, are we happy with who we are? Do we like what we stand for? Do we Know what we stand for? Do we like how we speak, how we portray our image? These questions become very important when you look in the mirror, and don't know who you are. Loving yourself isn't easy, and it takes time and patience. You have to start with the little things first, and work your way there. So first things first, who are you? If you have your answer, fantastic. If not, you will find out all in good time. Do you like who that person is? No? Well there's some good news. You can start changing it at any moment.

Camila kept on reading, and as the chapter continued, she had a better idea of what self love is supposed to be. She felt that she had started on the track to happiness, and for once her mind was on everything except Lauren. And it felt good. She planned to be patient with herself as the book recommended, and give herself time - for herself.
After the book store, she walked down the street for a while. It was downtown, and there were cute shops, cafe's and restaurants lining the streets. It was hot as always, with the sun beaming down onto her skin, but there was a slight breeze that day. She ventured into a cafe that was new to her, she had never been there.
Inside, she ordered an iced vanilla coffee to go, and then kept walking down the street. She liked to watch people, imaging stories of their lives. She liked to see all of the little stores and other people walking down the street. She liked to see busyness and chaos so they she was reminded, it wasn't only her and her problems in the world.

That night rolled around, and Camila showed up at Golden for work, like every night. But she noticed that Lauren wasn't there. Apart of her knew she should feel relieved, but she didn't. She kept waiting for her to walk in any minute, ready to perform with her band. She kept looking over the crowd hoping to find Lauren watching, but she wasn't.
When Camila was done on stage, she gathered her things and left. She felt disappointed for some reason, she didn't know why she felt anything but happiness. She wanted Lauren out of her life, truly she did. But despite all of the anger and resentment, after everything, she loved her. She loved her and she couldn't stop. She knew she had to quit but loving Lauren was like a drug, she was hooked and addicted.

Camila went home, where she was alone. She trudged upstairs to her room, where she shut the door behind her. She melted to the floor, sitting there against her bedroom door. She put her head in her hands and tried not to cry. She tried with everything in her to hold back the tears that she knew would sting so badly. But the tears came, and for a while they didn't stop. She let herself think of every word Lauren had ever said to her. She let herself remember every time she held Lauren's hand, or kissed Lauren's lips. She thought of every time that she was with Lauren and just loved her. She remembered loving Lauren so much it physically hurt, she still loved her so much it physically hurt. She thought of the times when they were just barely teenagers, sharing their secrets and laughing without a care in the world. She thought of more recent times, sharing moments of vulnerability and intimacy with her. She thought of everything. The memories flooded her brain, Lauren's smile and her laugh and stupid things that she always said, and the way she walked and the way she didn't care what anyone thought. The way she was so intimidating but the goofiest person she knew. She thought of Lauren's singing voice and how she had the power to completely destroy any sadness in the world with it.
She thought of everything.
And the tears kept coming.
Until they stopped, and then she pulled herself up off the ground. She went into her bathroom and washed her face and put on comfortable clothes, and then sat down at her desk. She turned on her lamp, and got out some paper and a pen. She didn't know exactly what she was doing but she knew the only way to feel better was to try and express it. She started writing a letter, partly unaware of where it was going or what the purpose of, but she hoped that by the end of the letter she would have some sort of peace.

Dear Lauren,
Before I say anything, I need to say that I love you. I've loved you since the beginning, and I know that you've always known that. I won't go into detail about the way I feel towards you or anything because I don't think that would help anything. But I just hope that after everything, you realize that maybe you loved me too at some point. Maybe not as much or as deeply as I loved you, but just a little. Because if not, that's a little scary to me, how one person can love so deeply without being loved back. I don't think that should even be a thing but unfortunately, I know it is. I'm not actually sure what the point of this letter is. Closure maybe? And trust me, it hurts to comprehend closure between us. You've been apart of me my whole life, whether we've been close or far apart, you've always been apart of me. From the moment we met you left a mark on my heart that will be forever irreplaceable and definitely permanent. But I can't let you keep messing me up so badly, regardless of everything good that's come out of our relationship. If only you saw how damaged I've gotten from everything, if only you realized how much it's changed me, and not in a good way... I think you would regret some decisions. But I'm not writing this to make you feel bad, I just want you to know that I have a lot of healing to do.
I think the scariest thing about this is, you're my one. You're the one who I'll tell my future daughter about, when she's alone in her bed crying over the boy that broke her heart. I'll hold her and tell her about the girl that I loved for years, who broke my heart senselessly. I'll tell her how it hurts and how it will keep hurting. You're the one I'll lose sleep over and the one I won't be able to eat over. And that sucks. You're my one, the one that was supposed to end up with me. The one who was supposed to be the last. And you'll always be that almost for me. And I hate that. And now that I'm thinking everything through, I'm understanding that this is my goodbye. I'm sorry this letter is so long but I can't really sum up all of the years of effort and thought into a small letter. How can I say goodbye to someone who has my heart in their hands? How can I say goodbye to my best friend? I'm hurting more than you can even imagine, Lauren.
But this is for the best.
Thank you for the good times, i promise I'll never forget about the happy memories. Even after awhile, when they start hurting more than the bad ones. I hope you go far with your music and that you fall in love with someone. I hope that when you finally fall in love, you show them and you put them first. I hope you don't hide it from anyone, and I hope you can shout it from the roof tops. I hope that when you finally fall in love, maybe I'll make more sense to you. Because deep down I know you aren't, and you weren't in love with me. And I forgive you for that. I forgive you for it all. I'm sorry that this is the last time I'll be saying this, Lauren. I wish it were different, but everything happens for a reason. You know how firmly I believe that. Wherever you go in life, do what's right and be bold. Thanks for teaching me that you can't make homes out of people. At least now i know. I think we can both promise to never hurt anyone as much as we hurt each other. Love isn't supposed to hurt this much. I'll always love you, Lauren.
Sincerely, Camz.