Midnight thoughts

6-Why?

Why do I always have the need to explain myself? Why do I always do and expect others to understand? Why am I always the one to be blamed whatever happens? Ever since I was little, I've been asked the most annoying question ever to me; 'why?' Why. Always why. And I gladly respond to it, explaning myself, defending my position, making excuses, trying to sound convincing. I gladly respond it, as if it had become so automatic for me to respond to it. I gladly respond to it, almost unconciously. Whatever happens with me, I make up an excuse. But people don't listen. People don't care. People will never understand you from where you stand. They'll look at your situation from their point of view, without putting theirself in your shoes. They will assume what they don't know, and they'll judge you based on that.
Even the closest people to you will judge you. Even if they are your parents. They are the one responsible to all of this. Ever since I was little I've been asked why. Why did I break my toy? Why is my brother upset? Why did I not do my homeworks? Why have I come up home with my dress stained? Why don't I help around in the house? Why am I always frowning? (Why? ask yourselves that question. I am not gonna answer it). Why am I always yelling? Why don't I give my little brother attention? Why do I shy away from everything?

Always that annoying question asked. That one little word that shattered me. That one annoying syllable I hate. Why.

Well guess what? Nobody cares why.

"Never explain yourself to anyone. You're friends don't need it. Your ennemies won't beleive it."

Well I guess all the people I know are my ennemies, because no one believes my answers to this annoying question. All I say is useless. Every word I fucking say is useless, and I hate myself for that. I hate myself for becoming that.
A month ago, I decided to never explain myself to anyone anymore. A month ago I decided that I owe no one an explanation. It didn't change anything to people. I just saved myself the struggle of giving an unheard explanation. I just saved society some nonsense I would've said. Sometimes I do think if it is better to have kept my mouth shut for most of my life... Because frankly, no one cares about your reasons...

992017