Midnight thoughts

32- Toxic 21 March

21 march. Today's date.

A date where everyone celebrates their mothers, their heroes, the woman who does it all and sacrifices everything just for her children. A date when everyone posts their best picture with their mothers with a big ass caption praising her. Is it some kind of tradition to stick up to yearly? Do I have to compel to this tradition and just go with the flow? Is this really necessary? Why should I celebrate the woman that I have been hating for almost a year now? What should I praise her for? The number of mental issues she gave me? the nights I spent crying myself to sleep because of something she said that she didn't now hurt me?

Sure. She is my mother. She left her job so she could take care of us. She played with me, took care of me, played with me, dressed me, nurtured me. She helped me develop a hobby. She pushed me through it. We went shopping together. She always asks about my opinion when she needs something. She takes the place of my father in many things; she taught me how to drive, took me to take my driving license test, she took me to apply to university. She argues with my father to let me go out. She stayed up with me some nights to help me finish my projects.

Well, basically she was doing her job at being a mother, as of taking care of her child while compensating for the job of the father when he takes it upon himself to be absent deliberately. It is her job to do all of this, and my right to have it. But that, only, doesn't entitle any woman at being a good mother.

She did program me to be some sort of mini copy of her. She never truly asked me about my opinion; only manipulated me into thinking like her, because only she is right and no one else is, so I must think like her and grow up to be exactly like her because she is always right. All I did as a child was trying to please her. When she showed a sign of liking something, I would always rush to choose it to make her proud of me.

She bought a purple dress, so I chose a lilac one that matches hers to make her happy, and -a few years back I discovered that she never liked it and I chose it on my own without having her opinion involved. She showed me that hideous aubergine colored dress that I wore gladly, after her convincing me what a nice color it is, over a kid's pink shirt because she liked it, although I did tell her before that I hated wearing these shirts anymore. She bought me a pink coat and convinced me about choosing it instead of the black one, although I really liked it in black, just to not make her upset. She always told me to think smart, so when that giant piñata popped at that kid's birthday and I grabbed that high school musical wallet and a bag of hair clips, I gave the wallet away to another girl, although I really loved high school musical, cause I already had a wallet, and I didn't have hair clips, and here I thought that mom would be so proud of me because I was thinking smart, but instead she cursed herself when I told her what happened, and told me I was being dumb, and that is not what she meant by telling me to think smart. And here went the red wallet and my self-esteem.

She always tells me that I should think fast and always concentrate, notice every single thing out there and always be alert. Why isn't she then? Why I should be like that and not her? Why shouldn't she notice everything? Like me crying every night when she upsets me? did she never notice me crying? If she did, why did she keep quiet, why didn't she ever mention it to help me? or worse if she didn't notice.

Sure, she taught me how to draw, or knit. But now that I think about it, it's because she does too, and she would be happy if her daughter turned out like her. She taught me those so we could have something in common between us, not because I liked it. Sure, I do like it, but it is my own hobby. She shouldn't have to pressure me into doing it. She shouldn't tell me now and then that whatever I'm doing instead of drawing is useless and I should dedicate all this lost time so I could draw more, and make a lot of paintings so I could sell some. Or that I should sit with her all day and knit to make some productive things out of my day, instead of whatever it is that I'm doing on that damn phone.