Midnight thoughts

28- Unfair

-You can take the taxi and meet her there by walking.
-She won't let me walk on the streets like that.

A moment of silence passes before she speaks again.

-I'm asking you, who's your mother?
-Why?
-Answer my question.
-You are, I answer oblivious to where she's heading.
-Is it possible for your friend to be more scared for you than me?
-That's not what I said.
-That's what you implied.
-All I meant is that she won't agree on me coming there by taxi or just to walk there
-Well that changes the whole matter but that's not what you said.
-I'm just repeating what I already said mom. I didn't change a word in what I said.

I walk out the kitchen and head towards my room not before I hear her say  something.

-If you're not capable of taking care of yourself, that's on you.

I turn around in my steps and walk back directly into the kitchen.

-What?
-If you can't take care of yourself that's your problem.
-Me? I can't take care of myself? You're talking about me right now?
-That's what I just said
-As if I can't take care of myself...

-I can take care of myself real well mom. When did I not taken care of myself? Just tell me when? I'm apt to know.
Didn't  I took care of myself when I had to get back from my job on the highway everyday by bus and took a taxi then walked home?
Did I not took care of myself when I had to walk all the way down that other job the days when you couldn't drop me?
Did I not took care of myself when I had to go my university every fucking day... Taking 2 buses then going by taxi then walking along the road so I can't reach my university ? Every day and night for 2 years did I not took care of myself?

Or did I not too care of myself... When I had to go back home by myself the other night? When you hang up on me when you called asking me why I was late? Why wasn't I capable of synchronizing my time with my brother's shift so he could pick me up at the bus stop so you didn't have to do it?

When I had to walk the highway twenty minutes till I reached a bus? When I had to endure a creepy man following me and talking to me while I was walking by myself, at night, with almost empty roads? Or when I had to keep alert and jump up with every car passing by me? Or when I had to go up that bus filled with creepy man and sit in the back next to woman who couldn't be so reassuring too? Or when I had to walk up the hill cause I couldn't find a cab at the bus stop and I couldn't wait alone there, so I started walking again, slowly with a guy in front of me, till by some God sent gift a cab pulls up next me, taking us both as passengers, and had the decency to drop me, and that guy, near my neighborhood road so I didn't have to cross the road at night? Or when I had to slow down my pace so he could stay way ahead of me and I could walk less creeped out as I reached my building?

Did I not took care of myself mom? Did I not got home safely?

Do I have to tell you all of this? So you could lock me up at home safely? Or because you don't have a fucking clue of how to take care of me?

Well I don't need you for that matter. I don't need anyone. Because I know damn well how to take care of myself mom.

Unlike my younger brother, who got a full privilege of using dad's car to go to work that is 5 minutes away from home when I had to go to college downtown by bus. Unlike my younger brother, that got lost the other month downtown because he couldn't find a bus to take and got lost in the roads of the big city. Unlike my younger brother, who you have me to call every other minute so you could check up on him when he's riding the university's bus on his way back home. Unlike my younger brother you have to check up on his health every month cause he happens that he had an accident 2 years back, and when I tell you about my uneasiness, you bluntly tell me: yeah, so what do I do?  And I go one taking 2 tablets of panadol just for the sake of curing myself.

So yeah. Sure mom. Go ahead and tell me to my face, that I can't fucking take care of myself.

Maybe it's because you can't take care of me that you're blaming me instead.

26102019