Midnight thoughts

19-The Old Me

Ever miss the person you were before ? The person you were before everyone broke you. The person you were when you were innocent and happy. When you were living your life to the fullest without a worry. When you were aware of everything around you. When you could analyse every word said and every word not said. When you could discern what everyone was saying and the meaning behind it so easily that you could make it a talent. When you could memorize everything and anything about every important person in your life. You could memorize their body language. The way they're taking. Every meaningless detail about them. Ever miss the person you were when you were happy? The person who loved and trusted everyone. The person who cared, and expressed his feelings without having to think about it, just to know what you're even feeling. When you could openly discuss emotions.

Because I do.

I miss that person. I miss the person I was before I turned into how I am today. Into the person that can overthink everything. Every little fucking thing. The person that could easily cry himself to sleep because of all the overthinking. The person that could barely focus on anything.

Because when you don't focus on something, it's more likely that you won't remember it. And if you don't remember it, you won't overthink it.

So I turned into who I am today. Barely focusing. Barely listening. Barely talking.
Barely crying. Barely feeling.

Beacuse if I don't focus, I won't overthink. And if I don't overthink, I won't feel. And if I won't feel, I won't get hurt anymore.

As easily as that.

Maybe it's a fucked up way, to think like that. Maybe I turned into a mentally fucked up person. But I'm better off feeling less. Better off just existing. Barely living. It is better this way, I guess.

Well that's what I thought.

All up until everything hit all at once. And it's only then, only at this moment, that you realised you're fucked up.

4052019