Midnight thoughts

21-Proud

What are you proud of me for? I asked my mother today because I was too afraid of asking it to my father. But she simply answered that it's enough that I'm her daughter and she's proud of that. How does that makes someone proud? Is it an accomplishment I've done in my life that made you feel like shouting to the world 'that's my daughter!' I was expecting anything but this answer to be honest. And that was enough to make me not ask my father like I originally intended to.

Does a father, the man that should be proud of whatever I have become, the man that should encourage me to do whatever I wanna do, have the right to tell me, his twenty one year old oldest daughter, that I don't know how to think, nor how to act? That I'm incapable of knowing what's best for me. That I still don't know how to do basic things. Does my father think so little of me? Well I think not... But why is he saying otherwise? Why is he thinking a certain way but telling me otherwise? Why is he so belittling me?

But when confrontation time comes for addressing this issue, addressing this idea that keeps repeating itself inside my head, trying to find a reason for every word that is uttered, I am met with the same outcome.

But how? Just tell me how you saw that I was incapable of nothing? How I don't know how to act? That I don't know how to think? Why is it that everytime that I address my opinion in anything, I am looked at as if I am an idiot? As if I am wrong for even thinking that? Of even having an opionion? Should I just shut up? Should I remain silent in every discussion like I have done most of my life? But I don't wanna be silent... I have my own opinion... My own thoughts that I judge to be right... Am I not allowed to think right thoughts? Am I not allowed to have a different opinion?

Why is it that you see me so incompetent? Or is it just your words that are telling me this? Are you not proud of where I arrived in life? Are you not proud that I had my first degree in grade nine? Are you not proud bragging to your friends about my grades? Are you not proud that I graduated from high school? Are you not proud that I graduated with honor? Are you not proud that I entered one of the best universities the country in your opinion? Are you not proud that I devanced thousands of students ranking in the top twenties so I can be accepted in that university? Are you not proud that I saved you years of debts by attending this university that I originally didn't want to go to?

I know that you are. I saw it in your eyes  in every moment of those. I saw it in your smile that's been saying that is my daughter in every moment of those.

But why are your words saying otherwise?

Are you not proud that I've been working summer jobs since I was sixteen? Are you not proud of your little daughter trying to rely on herself? Are you not proud of me trying to earn my own money?

You tell me that you don't want me to work. That you can provide me whatever I want, even though I know you can't that much. But you don't have to. I am earning my own income. I am trying to spare some uncessary expenses. I am trying to help in some neccesseray expenses that we could not cover. I am not earning enough to make you see that, in those couple of months every year. But I am trying to live as a grown up. I am trying to be independent. And this is my own way of trying to do so.

You shouldn't have to pay for my life goals.
I bought my own cell phones. I paid for my own driving license which I wished you could have accompanied me to get. And I wish you could be with my when I will be buying my own car.

You shouldn't have to pay for my life goals. Because I just want you to be there with me when I achieve them as a father, encouraging his daughter to lead an independent life.

Well in that mindset, which you might of course see as wrong... Do you still see me as incapable? Do you still see me as a little girl who doesn't know how to think? Do you still see me as a little girl who doesn't know how to act?

You hand my little brother the keys to your car because he doesn't want to ride the bus. I take the bus every day to attend my classes. You give him your full trust when you do so and let him go out without asking him a thing. I barely get your trust when I wanna leave the house to go out with my friends. You don't even know where or with whom he's going out. I am obliged to give a full itinary when I go out after arguing for a whole couple days. He takes the bus down town and gets lost and make you all go into panic mode. I take the bus, walk down the highway, get followed by strangers, go out roaming around the country with my friends and get back home safe, with out you having to worry about a thing. He starts a job and gets fired finds another one and gets fired again. I started multiple jobs and still work every summer to this day.

I am not comparing myself to him for the sake of comparing. I am comparing as to why you're giving him your trust when you can even trust me in anything? Why is it so easy for you to trust him blindly when I'm right here trying to prove for you everyday that I am already worth your trust?

If I were a boy would things be diffrent? Does it require gender equality for you to see things differently? For you to be proud of me and to trust me?

21062019