Midnight thoughts

20-Lost In My Path

Okay. I get it that I need my major to earn some money and live a decent life. Maybe if it wasn't for this, I would've been in a complete different place. I would've majored in fashion. I would had my parents encouragement to do it. Although they say they didn't choose the major I'm studying, which they didn't, but they encouraged me to do it, despite my want to major in interior design or fashion design, because architecture is what makes money in this country.
Bur no it doesn't. Well that's what our teachers say.

Why is it all revolving around money? Maybe I chose the easier option in regards of what's trendy and what's a money making buisness and went with the flow.

But do I really need someone to push me to major in fashion? No one advised me to do it. Why did I have to listen to everyone. Why didn't I went to do what I love. Okay I know the answer. It's because at eighteen years old, I didn't have a fucking clue about what to choose.

I realised 2nd year of architecture that this, isn't my path. This is not what I wanna do. Yet I proceeded into 3rd year. Why. Why you say? Because I'm a fucking coward. I'd hate myself if I went on with what I wanted only to become face to face with a dead end at the end of the road. Jobless maybe.

But architecture is a jobless end too...

I should've changed my path. I shouldve chosen differently when I could. But would the outcome be different? Well sure I would love what I'd do. But could I make a living out of it?

Maybe I could've. Maybe I'd turn into a well known fashion consultant. And maybe not. I am dreaming big, aren't I? Well I've had countless of people tell me that I couldn't do it, not beacause I can't do it, but because it's unachievable and only the lucky ones get up there.

But what if I were that lucky one?

Reality says, no I couldn't be... But my ambitions say that I could.

Is it too late for me to follow my dreams and ambitions?

Is it too late to take a 180 degree turn and change my path while I'm working my ass and health off to get that fucking architecture bachelor degree?

Do I get it and continue on a different path? Wouldn't I have lost enough time already? I don't wanna enter my thirties while I'm still building my career... I wanna be sure of where I am by 30. But I graduate at 23... 3 more years in fashion I would be 26, 2 more years in fashion masters I would be 28... 28 years old and looking for a job...

Do I really wanna be a 28 year old jobless woman? Do I really wanna live till my 28 and still in school? Do I really wanna live till 28 still having to get my allowance from my parents?

Well I couldn't bare it...
But yet again...
I am lost...

19052019