Midnight thoughts

15-A little rant

Like any other teenager, I graduated high school.

High school. Two words that describe the best 3 years of your life. You grow up in a family, you have friends that could fill in the place of siblings, teachers that turned out to be friends. People you had fun with. A single classrom holds a bunch of jokes and shared moments among all the people in it.

Sure you could pass through some rough times; fake friends, heartbreaks, stress... but those are the things that help you grow and prepare you for the future.

During freshmen year, you see everyone growing up. Every student is transitioning during that awkward phase where they realize what they really are and what they wanna be. You grow some insecurities you noticed in the past but discover that everyone has them and not only you. Boys are trying hard to grow some beards and muscles. Girls are stuffing their bras to gain better cleavage. Everyone wanna look their best. They wanna grow up so fast. They wanna be noticed by their crush. They wanna be in a relationship. They wanna have fun and go out with friends.

Junior year, you discover your fake friends. You are a witness of betrayal. Some are still trying to impress their crush, and looking like idiots while doing so. Some are still living with depression and overthinking everything and anything; what their friends said to them, what that one guy told you, if he really is messing with you or is e being honest, are your friends real friends because they don't even trust you for the simplest thing... You grow in the shadows, shy to live up any moment that passes, afraid of becoming the joke, the person everyone laughs at. So you just sit in the back and miss out important moments, like having your first relationship, partying with friends, going out to those cool places everyone goes to. You miss every photo memory because you're still self concsious about your appearance; maybe you're too fat, too thin, you have a unibrow, your nose is so crooked you dont even look feminine, you're so freil you dont even look like that buff guy everyone likes.

Senior year, is the year where everything works out for the best. You're more confident with yourself, because that one guy told you you looked cute the other day. Or because how confident you seemed in that photo you posted for the first time on Instagram. Or that girl told you she really like your sense of style, and your hair, that took like half an hour work to style it like that. So you come out to everyone. You make some friends that are worthy of you. Friends that like your company and trust you, friends you joke and laugh with. You realize that, despite what everyone says, you can be friends with a guy even if you're a girl. You can flirt with that one friend for fun, and he can enter that game flirting back because it is fun to mess with each other. You sit in the back of the class with your gang and joke all day and throw lame jokes at each other and making fun of that sleepy friend that always sleeps during class. You feel like you've integrated a group. You feel important. You gain a best friend, that is a guy, and you discover that guy best friends are way better than girls. He understands you and jokes around subjects you both laugh at. You can also have a guy talk and it doesn't feel weird at all. And instead, he helps you because he knows them and knows how guys think. You go out with your childhood best friend that you lost contacts with, but everything is still the same between the two of you because that is the real friendship. You go out of the house for the first time, because you grew up having strict parents.

But then you discover that some people were there only for fun. The guy that you thought liked you doesn't invite you to prom and tells you that prom dates are overrated, but then he goes out with that one girl you thought you were friends with. but all is good. And you smile despite all that because nothing is worth a tear. And maybe you overthought what was happening to him and he doesn't see you anything more than a friend he can have fun with. Your attraction for him dies along with the hope. Your guy best friend goes out with another girl because he felt obliged to invite her since she hinted wanting to go out with him and he was so nice he felt bad for saying no. So you think about going alone, but then a guy that barely noticed you all your life decides to ask you out to prom because there were no other single girls. You feel happy because you got asked but deep down you know he did so because he doesn't wanna go alone. And so do you, so you accept. And you save him all the trouble of doing a prom proposal because you know he'll never talk to you ever again after that night. You mess up with your childhood best friend, for the purpose of fitting in, but then you see how stupid that was. And you notice how insensible you are. You are that cold hearted friend that have trust issues and won upping problems. That best friend that has his needs a priority to everyone. You discover that you're selfish and that nothing matters but you. You discover that you've always been this way. You feel insensitive when soemthing bad happens to someone. You dont feel anything when a relative dies. You're feelings are so stoned, that you question yourself. Am I a good person? you ask yourself. You don't even try to convince yourself that maybe you are, because you know you aren't .

All you care about is looks, fashion, style, make up, looking good, sayinh the perfect thing, not sounding like a complete fool, being perfect. You focus so much on being perfect that you forget to care about others, even when barely a couple of people care about you. 

Then prom night comes. You have fun like everything is good. Everything is great. You ride a limo with your best friend. You complain about your high heels. You do your best to look good. You dance in your death traps with your prom date, he disappears somewhere but you still have your best friends. You go to the bar with your supposed group of friends and drink all your problems away. And despite having like 4 shots, you still are wide awake but a little tipsy. everyone is drunk and having fun doing nonsense. It's 5 am and you all decide to have breakfast together. The night passes. And all is good.

You graduated high school.

30072018