Midnight thoughts

38- What if .1

What if I choose to do what they want? What will happen?

I will lose myself trying to please them, but they will be happy.

I will lose myself trying to be the daughter they want, but they will be happy.

I won't be happy. But they will be happy.

I won't live my life to the fullest, but they will be happy.

I won't get to hang out with my friends, but they will be happy.

I won't be able to have road trips again with the people I love, but they will be happy.

I won't be able to have those movie game nights with them, but they will be happy.

I won't be able to hang out with whom I choose, but they will be happy.

I won't be able to live the life that I planned, but they will be happy.

I will be along with crying, but they will be happy.

I will be having more frequents panic attacks, but they will be happy.

What only matters to them, is that I will forever be in the wrong, it's on me to make things right for them. I have to take that extra step. I have to please my mother so she will get her daughter back – fake daughter. I have to play that role so I could make everyone around me happy, even if it will cost me my happiness. I will be forever at her mercy, just so everyone could be happy, but myself. No one cares what I fell, or what I think. Everyone is just pushing me into making everything right, but for them. Everyone wants me to go back to play the role of the fake happy family. Everyone is guilt-tripping me into going back to what hurt me. Everyone is telling me that I'm imagining everything that hurt me. everyone telling me that what I thought was wrong is just in my head. Everyone told me that I don't know their worth, and I'm crazy to think they would ever hurt me. no one is making the effort to ask me what I want. And if they do they will just shrug it off as if what I want is meaningless, as if what I want isn't something to want. What I should want is my mother back, my father happy, and my friends away, to marry someone and have their grandkids, and everyone would be happy but me.

Everyone's happiness matter. Except for mine.

06082020