Turning Point (A Reaching Out Novel)

One Hundred Three

5 months later
Allana has been walking around the palace with Zach strapped on a baby carrier.
I'd like to call it a babypack.
"Love, do you think you, me and Zach, could go outside? Walk around the mall or something." Allana asked
"Why? Is the palace boring you?" I asked
"A bit. And I feel that Zach would only get to know the colors that are available in this place." She said
I nodded.
"Okay, maybe pass by Baby Gap or something."
She smiled.
"As if I can't stop you to even pass by Baby Gap, come on." I said
Allana, Zach and I went out with matching maroon hoodies, and Zach was in his baby carrier.
"Are you sure you don't want to bring the stroller? It would be much easier." I said
"Love, Zach would be closer to us with the baby carrier." She replied
"Okay."
"Plus, I fear that he might be kidnapped or something from the stroller."
"He won't be kidnapped."
"How can you tell? "
I just nodded.
Ever since we got home from the hospital, from when she was shot, she became extra protective with Zach. Wouldn't even let the nanny touch him.
The only person that she could leave Zach alone with was me, without any doubt in her heart.
She can leave Zach with my dad, my brother and my sister in law but it's either I have to be there, or Austin has to be there.
I've told her countless times that Carmela is incarcerated, and she's safe, but I stopped telling her that because she just couldn't-
"You think I'm going crazy." She said
"Love, no. I don't think you're crazy and even going crazy. I think it's part of motherhood-"
She just shook her head and got Zach out of his crib.
"Can we just go?" She said
"Love, I didn't mean that-"
"But you thought about it?" She said
"It has been just five months. You're still recovering from that experience and-"
"I'm seeing a shrink about it. Your father thinks I'm crazy, and the only people that are in my boat are who exactly?" She said
"Me! I am in that boat."
"Are you sure? Because I don't think you are."
"What, I have to make you feel that?"
"Yes-"
"Love, Allana, the only thing that I have been doing besides watch Zach grow up is watch you. Even if you keep on making arguments with me."
"I'm not-" she said as she put Zach back down at the crib.
"Don't you think that I'm the only person who tries to understand the way you're feeling?" I said
She looked at me.
"I don't know if you have noticed but I have noticed, but ever since you got shot, you've been using me as your outlet. It's fine at the first week, but then I don't think I'm getting you." I said
I guess no Baby Gap today.
"You've been acting so coldly, and really whenever you see me, you'll find a way to argue-"
"I'm not-"
"Love, I think I have had enough of this attitude, I think it's unfair. Unfair for me and Zach. It's either he's getting the mother or I'm getting the wife, it's fine that he's winning every single time but what about me?"
She just stood there.
"It's not that I see Zach as a competition, he needs you. And he's an infant, it's okay, he wins. But I think I'm having a competition with something else. "
She breathed.
"With me. You're having a competition with me. Right now, I don't know where I am, I don't know if I'm okay. I don't know if I am even still here. The shrink that I am seeing says that I have post-partum depression, which is entirely normal. I'll get past that, but whatever that I have made you feel-" she closed her eyes and paused for a while.
Is she really apologizing?
"-then I'm sorry. It is unfair for you, when the only thing that you have done was stand by me even when I'm acting this way. I'm sorry if I'm being unfair to you-" and then she started mumbling in Mandarin.
I don't think I can understand Mandarin, French I can speak and read and understand but Mandarin?
I just hope she's not saying out curse words.
Just to make her stop mumbling in a foreign language, I wrapped my arms around her.
"I promised myself and Zach that I won't let what she did break me. I am still trying very hard believe me, Harry, I'm trying very hard not to be affected by the fact that-" she was shaking.
"Allana-"
"I couldn't carry my son for the first month, I couldn't carry him! I wanted to so bad, but it was a real struggle-" she broke off.
"Shh, love-"
Oh my god, I broke her.
"I'm sorry." I whispered
"So, I'm sorry if I didn't see you that much or if I walk past by you or didn't even prioritize you at least once-"
"I'm sorry love, please stop-"
Allana couldn't carry Zach for a month, well she couldn't carry him on the left side, the right side was fine but you can't really carry an infant with one hand. Especially because Zach at that time don't have a strong neck.
So, I did the job of carrying him, and making him latch on to her. And I have to say, the three of us got frustrated at the same time. We had trouble latching a few days after Allana got shot.
"I'm sorry, love. I really am. I should have-" I started
"I should have been more understanding and open-" she said
"No, love. It's me who should have been-"
I just held on her tight.
"Do you still want to go to Baby Gap? Or do I call your psy-" I started
"All I wanted to do today was go out this place because I feel like this has been the only place that I have been in for the past five months-"
"Then we'll go out."
"After all of this?" She said, I let her go.
"Why not? We could use a new environment. And Zach would look more adorable if we got him new hoodies." I said
She smiled.
And I wiped her tears.
"I love you very much." I said
She blinked.
"You do?" She said
"Love, I always have and I always will."