Everything You Are - Brendon Urie *completed* (part 2/3)

sixty-four: you've got these little things that you've been running from

A couple weeks passed by and Brendon didn't really get pissed off or put out with me in any way, and it concerned me because he acted weirdly secluded all the time. Josh and I finished our project and the bulk of homecoming proposals began happening, but I chose to ignore it as best as I could to try and focus on Brendon instead, but it was almost like he was hiding himself from me. We were hardly hanging out together at all, and when we were, he was attempting to keep the conversation away from himself as much as possible. I didn't understand why he wouldn't just tell me what was going on, because clearly there was something. 

So instead, I ended up hanging out with Josh a lot. He mostly initiated it, asking if I wanted to come over and hang out or vice versa a lot of the time, but I was okay with it because he was always fun to be around. He was so sweet and always knew how to cheer me up if I was being down about Brendon. 

"I'm really enjoying drumming with Dallon," he was saying as we were laying on my bed, Muffin laying on my chest and purring while Josh sat against my wall and balanced a fidget spinner on his finger, which he thought was the funniest invention on the planet and loved to annoy me by taking it with him everywhere and showing it off in my face every opportunity he got. 

"You guys sound really good, I think you'd make a great addition to their weird not-band band that they have going on," I said. "Even if they already have a drummer." 

"Yeah," he sighed. "I'm gonna miss it when Dan comes back from Europe, which is sadly going to be pretty soon."

"It'll be fine, I'm sure you'll have opportunities to play with them at other times too," I said, stroking Muffin's back with my hand. 

Josh hesitated for a moment, then sighed. "Charlie, I think I can trust you and I need to get this off my chest and tell someone."

"Yeah, of course you can trust me," I nodded. "What is it?" 

"All of this playing music and spending so much time with Dallon, it's made me realize that I think I have a crush on him," he admitted. "And it sucks because I know I can't pursue him because he's so hot, and he's so out of my league. Not to mention he's probably so straight." 

"No, no, Josh, Dallon is bi," I said, sitting up and moving Muffin so I could actually speak to him. "You should totally go for it, you guys would make an adorable couple." 

"It's just so hard," he sighed again, finally setting down his dumb ass fidget spinner. 

"What is?" I asked. 

"Being gay," he replied. "I don't know if you could tell or not, but I'm gay. And it's just difficult because the dating pool is so small for gay men. Most girls are either gay or bisexual but there's hardly any bisexual guys, let alone other gay guys."

"Well, I think you should pursue Dallon," I said. "He always talks so highly of you, Josh. I think you'd have a pretty good shot at it."

"You really think so?" he smiled shyly. 

I nodded. "Absolutely. Dallon is a great guy." 

After Josh left, I sat in my room and thought about our conversation. I didn't know how I didn't realize that Josh was gay before, it explained so much about why he acted so flamboyant at times (not to try and make stereotypes). I thought about what he said about the dating pool for gay guys, and remembered how he said that most girls are either gay or bi, and thanks to my wonderful thoughts, I thought about Robin and how I felt so weirdly infatuated with her and attracted to her. 

I quickly shook my head of those thoughts. I love Brendon, I told myself. And I was happy with him, why would I want to ruin that? I was just exploring my sexuality too much like most girls do at my age and I was probably just going through some phase. Brendon and I hadn't been very close lately and maybe I was just feeling lonely and reaching out and attaching myself to the first person who showed me real attention in a while, like when Robin looked me up and down with a smirk on her face like she was thinking up all the things she wanted to do to me. The thought made my stomach churn but I again, mentally smacked myself for it, reminding myself that Brendon does the exact same thing and it's even better because we both love each other. 

Maybe what I needed was just to be able to see Brendon and hang out with him again to remind myself that I had a perfectly good boyfriend who treats me well and gives me just what I need. I approached him the following day at his locker, where he was standing next to Dallon, who was talking to him but he didn't seem to be listening very closely. 

"Hey guys," I said, walking up and Dallon smiled at me, Brendon turning to me slightly and giving me a small smile. He immediately turned back to his locker with his books though, removing the one for his first period class and dropping it in his backpack. 

"Brendon, do you want to do something today or tomorrow after school?" I asked. "We could just relax, play some video games or watch a movie or something?" 

"I can't," he mumbled and swung his locker shut, quickly walking away before I had a chance to respond. I frowned, a sick feeling settling over my stomach. Why was he acting like this? It was so unlike him. 

I felt a warm hand on my shoulder and turned to Dallon. "He's been doing that to you a lot lately hasn't he?" 

I nodded silently, trying to fight back the growing urge in my throat to cry. I just wanted to know why he was acting like this. It's like he was pushing me away before he was about to drop some huge bomb on me or something.

Dallon frowned, sighing and wrapping his arms around me in a hug. Something felt off and I felt that he knew something that I didn't, and that scared me. 

"I'll talk to him, okay?" he said, and I nodded again, Dallon patting my shoulder before walking away. I took a deep breath and managed to not let any tears fall from my eyes as I also made my way to my first period class. 

When I got home, I shut myself in my room and practically plowed through my homework, trying to get my mind off of the growing worry that was building in my mind about what was going to happen with Brendon. I heard a knock on my door, and I sat up from my homework, pushing it aside. "Come in." 

My mother poked her head through my door. "Charlotte, do you mind taking the trash out?" 

I got off my bed and went to put on my slippers as my mother left the room, and I went to the kitchen to tie off the bag and lift it from the can. 

I sighed as I walked out to the garbage can at the end of our driveway, not even noticing that Josh was outside on his lawn, sitting on a yoga mat and stretching. 

"Charlie?" he called and I turned to see he was approaching me, barefoot from the exercising he was just doing.

"Hi," I offered him a smile, but he looked back at me with concern.

"Is everything alright?" he asked, and I replaced the lid back over the garbage can. 

"Yeah, I'm fine, don't worry," I tried to smile again but he continued looking at me. 

"Charlie, you can talk to me," he replied. 

I sighed and looked down at my hands. "It's stupid. Brendon just keeps brushing me off, I don't know what's going on. I thought we were fine but all of a sudden he's just been acting so weird and distant lately, I'm just kinda scared about what might happen."

"Oh, Charlie," he frowned, wrapping his arms around me in a hug. "I hope everything works out okay."

"Me too," I sighed again, letting him hug me and pulled away after a moment, trying to smile at him. "Thanks." 

"You can call me if you need anything, okay?" he said, his hand on my arms and I nodded. 

"Thanks Josh," I said. "I should probably get back in and finish my homework." 

"I'm gonna get back to my yoga," he said, smiling at me. "I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?" 

I nodded. "See you." I walked back inside and washed my hands from handling the trash before retreating back to my room, where I still just sat and continued to worry.

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