Everything You Are - Brendon Urie *completed* (part 2/3)

seventy-five: feels like i am falling down a rabbit hole

My eyes hurt, my throat was dry and my chest was aching when I woke up in the morning, no texts, calls or sign of Brendon whatsoever. I wasn't about to deal with my family. I got up, washed my face of the dry tears that had stained my cheeks, brushed my teeth and hair to make myself feel less zombie like, got dressed and walked out the door, bundled in my jacket and headed down the street towards my favorite park. 

I walked by myself for a while. I didn't know who to go to anymore at this point, and I'd left my phone at home anyways. Rachel and I aren't close anymore since she started hanging out with a new group of people she found she fit in with better than our crowd. Dallon is closer with Brendon than he is with me, in fact we had gone to the same school since kindergarten and never spoke to each other until Brendon was in the picture, so I was in no place to go crying to him about what happened between Brendon and I. I'd been dumping all my problems on Josh since I met him, I didn't want to burden him with another. Besides, I knew that he'd talk to Dallon afterwards anyways and then Dallon would get involved regardless. I was so tired of pulling everyone else down with me, I decided I needed to handle this one myself. 

I walked through the park alone, and it didn't help remembering on my birthday months before when Brendon brought me here just before we decided to make things official and he wouldn't stop holding my hand and kissing me. Everything was good. We were happy and in love, I didn't know what was happening now. Things have changed. If he were here now he wouldn't be acting the same way and neither would I and that just upset me even more. 

Before I could realize it my throat was tightening and I felt the tears beginning to well into my eyes again. Sure, Brendon and I had fought before. We'd fought pretty bad, especially with everything that went down when he found out that Dallon and I were pretending to be together at school and didn't bother telling him first. But we hadn't fought this badly since being together. And never had I told him to leave and he actually did it. 

I found a bench nearby and sat down, covering my face with my gloved hands and sobbing into them, protecting my face from the cold air around me. My whole body heaved as I cried, and I pulled my hands away from my face long enough to push my hair away that was tickling my nose. 

"Charlie?" I heard a soft, concerned voice somewhere to my right and turned to see Robin standing there looking very concerned, holding the leash to a dog. She quickly came and sat next to me on the bench. "What's wrong?" 

I let out another choked sob and she rubbed my back, telling me to breathe and reached into her purse to pull out a package of tissues. She handed me one and I wiped my eyes with it, blowing my nose while she pushed my hair out of my face. 

"I got into this really bad fight with Brendon," I said, sniffing and she continued rubbing my back, listening intently as I told her what happened the night before. How I didn't want to have sex with him and how he pestered me to tell him what was wrong when I didn't have an answer for him.

"I really don't know what's wrong, truthfully," I said, wiping away the tears that were still falling from my eyes. 

"Have you ever been diagnosed with depression, Charlie?" she asked. 

"I'm not depressed," I said, not even wanting to consider the idea. My family was fucked up enough, and I'd had my fill of girls diagnosing themselves with mental disorders just for attention when their life was perfectly fine. Mine wasn't; I mean sure, some people had it worse than me but that didn't mean that it didn't suck. 

"Listen to me, Charlie," she said. "All of these feelings you're describing are very serious signs of depression. I'm not a doctor but maybe you should consider going to a counselor, just to help you sort out whatever may be going on up in your head."