Everything You Are - Brendon Urie *completed* (part 2/3)

seventy-four: the guests at the party, they're so insincere

A/N: warning: ANGST

It just didn't make sense. 

I didn't think Brendon or Dallon were necessarily lying to me, but something wasn't adding up. And even though they both kept telling me not to worry, that's all I did. 

But before I even knew it, November was flying by. I got swept up into the storm of schoolwork again, and soon I was too stressed about that to even think about whatever might be going on with Brendon and Dallon. And on top of that, I was starting to get anxious waiting for potential acceptance letters to colleges I'd applied for. I was particularly wondering if maybe I should just go to our local university and stay at home for a while and gradually work my way out, or move away entirely and leave everything I hated back home right here where it belonged. It was too much all at once to be worried about. 

And the stress from picking colleges also brought about another question; what the fuck am I going to do with my life? I thought maybe I should go into business, because that's what my mother did and she makes ridiculous amounts of money from it. But the thing is, I suck ass at math, Brendon could sit and explain a math concept to me over and over again and it just doesn't make sense. And quite frankly, I don't really want to be anything like my mother. 

And then I started locking myself in my room again, shutting people out, drilling through homework and going to bed and trying to sleep but unable to, staring at my ceiling for hours, turning over and staring at one side of my room just to turn over and stare at the other side. Sleep just didn't seem to come. I stopped going out and doing anything at all, telling Brendon no to every time he'd want to do something. Of course he expressed concern about the fact that I wasn't doing anything outside of my room because all I could think about was what homework assignment was coming up next, but I brushed him off just like I did last year. I just wanted to get through the holiday season already. It was the worst time of year and I really wasn't having it this time. 

I did manage to get through Thanksgiving. My parents didn't argue this year. They did however, continue their usual holiday routine of pretending that everything was perfectly fine in our family. Maybe it was, I didn't know anymore. I wasn't paying attention. My parents were too wrapped up in trying to fix their marriage to worry about Jason and I, who weren't spending any time together anymore after our Halloween party. The weird period of time we went where we were actually confiding in each other and hanging out came to a halt when I went back to locking myself in my room all the time. 

I spent the evening in my room, after my parents had gone to bed, I got a text from Brendon. 

*Are you still up?*

I stared at it for a moment before texting a simple reply. 

*Yeah*

No response. I sighed and set my phone down, putting away my paints that I'd had out and was trying to occupy myself with for the time being. Muffin was sitting at the foot of my bed waiting for me, and I crawled under my covers just to hear a tapping noise at the window. I knew it was Brendon, even though he didn't say anything about coming over. No one else did. 

I opened my curtains to see he was standing outside in his pajama pants, smiling at me behind his glasses. I helped him in, allowing him to hug me like he usually did whenever he'd sneak over.

"You didn't tell me you were coming," I said, and he sat down on my bed and started petting Muffin. 

"I thought I'd surprise you," he shrugged. "Just wanted to check in, make sure everything is okay." 

"Yeah," I replied, giving a slight shrug. He reached out for my hand and pulled me into his arms, laying with me on my bed. 

"No fighting or anything?" he asked, brushing my hair from my face as I laid facing him.

"Nope, just the same old pretending to be normal and perfect," I sighed, letting his warm hand rest against my cheek. 

"At least you didn't have to call me crying this time," he smiled softly at me and I managed to smile a little back, attempting to muster up some positivity. 

"How was your thanksgiving?" I asked, and Brendon told me about his extended family that had come to stay and how his slightly crazy aunt had gotten a little too drunk and everyone was laughing at her for most of the night. 

"One of these times you should come over to my house for thanksgiving, my mom would love that," he said and I snuggled closer to him. 

"I'd like that," I said. "It would just be a matter of convincing my parents." 

We laid in silence for a few minutes and Brendon leaned in and kissed me, and I kissed him back. I loved the feeling of his warm lips, and never would willingly turn down the opportunity to feel them against mine or my cheeks, or my forehead, even my neck. His hand cupped my cheek and our kiss deepened a little, his tongue lightly brushing against mine every now and then. He rolled over so he was over me, trailing his lips down my neck and sucking softly on my collar bone, his hands slipping down to my waist and around the waistband of my sweats, about to pull them down but I stopped him, pulling away. 

He looked at me questioningly as I pushed his chest back, leaving him laying against the bed. He frowned looking slightly hurt.

"You don't want to do anything?" he asked. 

"Not really," I shrugged. 

He sighed and laid back against the bed and I found myself annoyed that he was getting so put out with me. He was usually respectful about when I didn't want to have sex with him. 

"Why are you acting like this?" I asked, sitting up and crossing my arms. 

"We haven't had sex in over a month, Charlie," he said, sitting up as well. "And we haven't had any kind of physical intimacy since Halloween." 

"I'm just not in the mood," I said. 

"Well what's wrong?" he asked, looking at my face closely and I turned away from him. 

"Nothing, I just don't want your dick inside of me right this second," I snapped. 

"Hey." He frowned even more. "Can you talk to me? You've been really distant and shutting everyone out lately, I'm just worried." 

"It's nothing, I'm just stressed," I said. 

"What are you stressed about?" he asked.

"I don't know, school, my family," I said. 

"How can I help?" he asked. 

"You can't Brendon, I've been through this," I replied, sighing and feeling very put on the spot with how he kept pushing me. 

"There has to be something I can do," he said. 

I shook my head slightly, still not facing him.

"Charlie come on, just talk to me." I felt my eyes welling with tears. 

"I don't know!" I said, tears falling from my eyes. He wouldn't stop pestering me and I didn't have any answers. "I don't have an answer for you Brendon." 

"Why are you crying?" he asked, trying to pull me closer to him but I pulled away. 

"Just leave!" I snapped. 

"Charlie--" he tried to reason.

"No, Brendon," I said. "You know, I didn't ask for you to come over. You just invited yourself. Go."

He looked defeated, his face like I'd just stabbed him in the heart. I just wanted to be by myself. He was being a dick and I wasn't going to deal with that on top of everything else. 

He finally got out of my bed and put his shoes on, climbing out the window and leaving. I waited a minute before going over to the window to shut it completely, he was nowhere in sight. I went back to my bed and laid down, it felt emptier than usual, even when Brendon wasn't there. My eyes hadn't stopped pouring tears out. And they didn't stop until I finally fell asleep.

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