Everything You Are - Brendon Urie *completed* (part 2/3)

seventy-eight: i'm chasing roller coasters

The entire first week without Brendon was just emptier than usual, actually emptier than it had ever been before, but I knew I had to just push through it. I brought myself up to call and schedule my actual counselling sessions to start in January after break was over but also managed to get once a week sessions for the couple weeks before break started. 

I began receiving acceptance letters from colleges that I'd applied to, but I knew I wasn't in the mindset to be making a huge decision like that just yet. I set them aside and knew that once I'd managed to get my shit together a little more that I'd be able to make better judgment about where I wanted to go for college. As of that point in time, all I could think about was how much harder it was to go through every day of my life without Brendon. Going to school without him coming up to me to say hello and kiss me good morning, or having him hug me goodbye whenever we'd leave school and how he would come over a few times a week to help me with homework I hadn't quite gotten the hang of. I was left to my own devices to struggle with the math assignments I didn't really understand, nearly failing most of them until Josh finally took over and came over to help me after seeing the giant "D" at the top of my paper I'd gotten back in class.

The weekend was even harder. I tried to ignore the lingering thought sitting at the back of my mind but I couldn't. Sitting in my room, every song I listened to reminded me of Brendon. Every time I tried to paint something, all I could think about was how he would sit and watch me even though he knew I hated it. I even tried to read to focus my brain on something else, but I couldn't focus on the words on the page. 

And then when Monday came around, I went to my first counselling session to introduce myself to the college student that would be working with me after break was let out. I didn't know what to expect, and although Dallon was really into it and insisted that it would help me out a lot, I was quite skeptical when I walked in the doors of the warmly lit room, sitting on the couch across from a blonde girl smiling at me. 

"Hi, you must be Charlotte," she said, reaching her hand out to shake mine. 

"I actually prefer Charlie," I said, shaking her cool hand and easing back to the couch, sitting down almost hesitantly. 

"Well Charlie, my name is Heather and we'll be seeing each other a lot over the next couple months," she said, smiling again at me. 

I didn't really know what to expect, but I should have known there would be lots of questions, lots of talking about myself. I wasn't really used to it, it was different with Brendon but most people that I met just wanted to talk about themselves. I was a little uncomfortable since most of the questions she was asking were actually quite intrusive, but I answered them as honestly as I could, and as openly as possible. I told her about my family, about my parents and their kinda failing marriage, my brother and how he's a stoner, and even about Dallon and Josh being my closest friends now and how Brendon and I were technically still together but were on a break due to all the stress I was under and how much we were arguing about dumb shit. She listened quietly, didn't seem to be judging me much, just asking more questions and writing down notes on her notepad. 

And when I went home afterwards, it took everything in me not to pick up my phone and call Brendon just to hear his voice. I was mentally and emotionally drained after answering so many questions to a stranger and just wanted a familiar face and voice. Brendon was always my go to, but I knew this wasn't an option this time. 

I texted Dallon informing him that I'd gone to my first session and got out of it alive, and he replied immediately telling me that he was happy and that he hopes it continues to go well. I hesitated before I texted him back again, then decided that I really needed it.

*Can I come over and smoke with you? Or you come over? I'm so mentally drained*

It didn't take long for him to reply. 

*Of course! My parents don't want me to leave the house because I was out with Josh yesterday but you can come over if you want.*

I went out to my car as soon as I had my shoes and jacket on and drove to Dallon's house, pulling into the driveway and knocking on the door. 

Dallon answered, smiling at me and letting me inside as he led me through his house. 

"Hey mom, Charlie is here," he said, and his mother that was in the kitchen cooking smiled at me. 

"Hello Charlie, I'm Leann, Dallon's mom," she said, giving a small wave and turning to Dallon. "Are you going to your room?" 

He nodded. "She's having some boy troubles and wants some advice." 

"Okay, dinner will be ready in about a half hour," she said. "You're welcome to stay for it if you want, Charlie." 

"Thank you," I smiled back at her and followed Dallon downstairs to his room. I'd been in his house before but not when his mother was home. 

"Boy troubles huh?" I asked, smirking at Dallon as he closed the door and rolled his eyes.

"It's a cover up, obviously," he said, walking over to his drawer where he kept his weed things. "If there's insinuation that you have a boyfriend already then she won't make me leave the door open."

"Right," I nodded. "With everything going on, I forget that your parents don't know about you and Josh." 

"Yeah, well, it's alright," he said, grabbing his pipe, weed and lighter and gesturing towards the bathroom, where I walked and he followed close behind. "You've got a lot on your plate right now." 

We sat down on the floor in his bathroom and he closed the door, opening the window and turning on the fan as he loaded the bowl for us. We smoked it back and forth in silence for a few minutes until we'd finished it off and Dallon set it down.

"It took almost everything in me not to call Brendon after I got home from that counselling," I said, sighing. "They're just so intrusive, you know? I get that's the point but it's just... I don't know." 

"Takes getting used to," he said, nodding. "I understand."

"Yeah." Dallon loaded another bowl and took a hit, handing to me. I took another hit while he continued to speak. 

"How are you doing with the whole Brendon thing?" he asked, his blue eyes showing concern as I handed the pipe back to him and blew out the smoke. 

"I think this is the loneliest I've felt in my entire life," I admitted, watching as Dallon took another hit. "I just have to keep reminding myself that we need this." 

"It'll all work itself out," he said. 

"How's Brendon doing?" I asked, not entirely sure I wanted to know the answer. 

"Honestly, terrible," he replied, handing me the pipe and I took one more hit. "I've only seen him in this much of a wreck before once. And it was when you were in the hospital and no one knew if you were going to survive."

I handed the pipe back to Dallon and he finished it off, and I sighed and pulled my knees up to my chest. I was pretty high at this point, and still pretty sad about everything. 

"I just wish everything would be fine for once," I said. "I'm so sick of this constant cycle where everything seems to be doing okay and then it all goes to shit again. And it gets worse and worse every single time."

"You know, one of these days everything is going to eventually work itself out," he said, putting away his weed. "It has to get bad before it gets better." 

"I sure hope it works itself out soon," I said, standing with Dallon as we walked out of his bathroom, he shut the door behind us and put his things away as we sat on his bed. 

"You'll get through it," he offered me a smile. "I know it's a cliche, but time can heal almost anything." 

-

A/N: sorry i dropped off the face of the earth again for a few days. i wasn't mentally prepared for how sad these chapters are getting.