For some reason, Brendon and I didn't address or discuss anything that happened at Dallon's party until after school the following Monday. The morning after Dallon's party, everyone pretty much helped clean up the mess and went home, including Brendon and I. We spoke during the weekend a couple times and at church, but we didn't talk about the party. I didn't want to be the first person to bring it up and I don't think he did either.
By Monday afternoon though, I think we both mutually agreed that it needed to be talked about and we sat awkwardly in my bedroom trying to figure out a way to go about the conversation.
"So, about what happened at Dallon's party," I said. Brendon nodded, staring at me as I looked back at him. What was I even supposed to say? We stared at each other for about 10 seconds before Brendon finally spoke.
"Are you gay?" he asked.
"What the fuck, Brendon?" I replied. "That's ridiculous, I'm dating you."
"You found the most attractive person in the room to be Robin," he said.
"Actually, it was the most attractive person in the room aside from you," I argued. "I was stoned and wasn't thinking clearly anyways."
"Well then it must have been instinct, right?" he continued.
"Okay honestly Brendon, would you have even been okay with me kissing anyone else in that room?" I asked, crossing my arms.
He thought for a second, then sighed. "I mean, you're right."
"Are you gay?" I asked, turning it back on him.
"What? Of course not," he rolled his eyes.
"Really? Because the dare that I heard was for you to kiss Dallon, not suck on his tonsils," I said.
"I was stoned," he said, shifting uncomfortably. "And Dallon and I just have a weird relationship, okay?"
I continued to stare at him, expecting a further explanation.
"You know honestly, I'm pretty sure I've seen Dallon naked more times than I've seen you naked," he said. "It's just weird, okay?"
"Are you cheating on me with Dallon?" I asked, appalled that all of this was coming out.
"No, I'm not," he sighed. "Look, just forget it, okay? You wouldn't understand. I'm not cheating on you with Dallon, or anyone else, got it?"
I sighed and rolled my eyes. I hated when he'd get stubborn like this and not tell me everything. "Whatever."
"Charlie, trust me," he said, taking my chin in his hand and turning me to face him. "I wouldn't cheat on you, ever."
"I know, I just wish you would tell me the whole story," I said.
"That's it," he said. "That's just how our friendship is. There's really nothing else to it. Do you trust me?"
"Yes," I said quietly. He leaned in and kissed my lips. I did trust him, but something just wasn't adding up between those two.
-
Josh wanted to go out and hike one last time before it got too cold out, so we went later in the week and got into conversation, the topic of the party that Dallon had came up in conversation and everything that happened at it.
"It was just a weird party altogether," he said. "I don't know, there was so much happening, and his ex was there, and his gay cousin, not that I have anything against Robin, but it was just a weird group of people."
"Yeah," I agreed. "And it got even more weird when everyone decided to play truth or dare."
"Yeah, what the fuck?" he said. "I'm not complaining because that make out show that Brendon and Dallon gave everyone was really hot, but when I talked to Dallon he just acted like the fact that they made out in front of everyone was totally normal. I don't get it."
"Okay, I'm glad I'm not the only one," I said. "I talked to Brendon and he got so weird about it. All he said was that him and Dallon have a weird friendship or some shit like that, and something about how he's seen Dallon naked more times than he's seen me naked."
He rolled his eyes. "There's something weird going on with those two, I don't know."
"He swears he's not cheating on me with Dallon or anyone else but it just doesn't add up," I sighed. "I know he wouldn't cheat on me but it's just so weird. And he keeps denying having any attraction to guys whatsoever, even though he knows I wouldn't have any problem with it at all."
"I don't know, maybe he's just exploring his sexuality," Josh said. "It happens all the time."
Talking to Josh made me feel better about not being the only one feeling like there was something fishy going on between Brendon and Dallon, but it didn't answer any of my questions either, except that they both found it to be completely normal.
When I went home, I took a shower and thought about all of that, and I also thought about how Brendon reacted to Robin and I kissing. I thought for sure he wouldn't be okay with it, especially after how he reacted to finding out that Darren kissed me even when I didn't want him to. Or the time that Dallon and I pretended to be together. I didn't see how this was different.
Whatever the reasoning was, all I knew was that I enjoyed it way more than I should have. Of course I wasn't just going to leave Brendon for Robin, but there was something about when I kissed her, and thinking about it afterwards that made me feel tingly for some reason. I tried to shake it from my mind, think about something else, convince myself otherwise, but I had been lying to myself for long enough.
I had some attraction to Robin. It wasn't as strong as my attraction to Brendon but it was there, and I knew that it wasn't just a friendly attraction. Maybe it was the way she looked me up and down like I was a meal when I first met her, or the way her lips moved when she talked, or maybe just the fact that she's so fucking hot, but I knew there was a reason that she was the one aside from Brendon that I found to be the most attractive person in the room.
I finally entertained the thought and I finally knew there was no denying it no matter how much I wanted to. And the thought of telling Brendon or anyone else scared me a little bit.
I laid down in my bed and thought the words, just to be able to tell myself and stop hiding from the truth. I am bisexual.
-
A/N: two updates today because I feel bad for ditching for a little while too long YEET
