Trouble ; Kim Taehyung

Being Shitty.

After that dreadful lunch with Hanna, everything's been fucked up. On the table while everyone was eating, I couldn't stop glancing at her all over Taheyung. Her eyes were screaming to devour him. How annoying and  arrogant.

As soon as that was over, I ran to the abandoned park in our neighborhood and am currently sitting on the swing, thinking to myself and soon realizing that I have kept all my thoughts as they were. I never really went out of the way to put them into action. Maybe that's why Hanna irked me, because she could do what I couldn't. I clearly like Taehyung so why can't I do the same? Why can't I be bold about liking him. What's more is that she looked happy having his company. Why is it that ever time we're together, it's like shackles of heavy chains wrapped around me. I'm supposed to be okay now that we're dating but it's like all my worries inflamed. I guess not everything goes the way you expect them to be.

I imagine Taehyung's face everywhere I look, it's driving me crazy. Not because he's got that dazzling smile or glistening look in his eyes, but because it makes me wonder what kind  of expression will he make when he either grows tired of me or when he falls for someone else. This just proves how I'm reeling in an endless tape of insecurities and it's getting to me.

It's not enough that I tell myself I love him because a relationship isn't a one way street. This bottomless commotion in me, will it ever come to a halt?

I look at the Crimson painted sky and imagine all the different paths he and I could've taken. In one of them we stay as friends, in the other we are miserable, but there's this one where we're happy. Unfortunately we are currently in none of them. I keep thinking about where I want us to be in a few years but I've forgotten the big picture and only kept my eyes on the end goal, completely disregarding the pains we were obviously gonna go through and other situations that may lead to straying the path. Sometimes I feel like nothing's going to work out, but then come moments when I feel like I could do anything.

I reach out to the reddish sky and happen to meet relief for a second, thinking that I was given the chance to be with him and able to love him. This lot can content me but also confuses me, Is it him that I love or is it the feeling of doing so?

Like a glass filled with an ocean of worries, I wish I could get away from myself because I can't contain it on my own. My hate and aggravation are sticking to the walls of my heart wanting to blame everything on Hanna or Taehyung's father, but my my mind won't let it be. It knows something I cannot let go of, and that it isn't because of anyone else, it's me.

I am not particularly fond of hating someone, all the more if I know deep down that they aren't the root of my anger, but it's easier to pin the blame on someone else. Someone I do't know of and can't fully criticize. 

I close my eyes and breathe for a few minutes, when I open them again, the sky has grown dark. I think to myself, is this all I'm capable of doing?

Holding pointless grudges, being insecure about every little thing, and even be a total stranger to the person I hold dear to me? Is that all?

I'm covered in ugly emotions and their leaking out. Like my surroundings, I feel so damn dark, incapable of touching the light. I try to think of something other than Taehyung and the first thing that flashes to my mind is my Mom.

Then a thought comes banging on the door of my mind. 

You're hopeless, despicable, horrible, but most of all you're selfish to the bone. Too insecure to love and trust someone.

I bend down to support my head. The cold touch from my fingers seem to be helping with the heat from my face. Every relationship have someone working with them, someone that makes a relationship, a relationship. You can't be in a relationship when you're alone, so why do I always end up alone like this. How did I even get into a relationship?

 I'm not even convinced that Taehyung loves me as a woman. The more I feel it, the more it becomes clear that he might just actually like me because we live together. That we've known each other for so long. He might be confusing his feelings for me not as a woman, but as a sibling. I mean, I already heard it from him once myself, that I was just like his sister. 

I fear so many things that this is just another worry piling on so many others. I'm tired of it but I always end up back in the cycle when I try to get away.

Love, worry, blame, hurt, and again, love.

It's a loop I cannot escape from. Although admittedly, I know there were times when I chose to stay in it.

I open my phone and go through the contacts, the bright light makes me squint, but I still manage to see a message from an unknown number.

xx: He's mine, better stay away. You know he deserves better and you're family doesn't even make the cut. He already finds you troublesome so why not give him what he actually wants and disappear? I'm here to keep him company. I'm someone that can make him happy.

I want to pretend that it wasn't meant for me, but it's hard. I start tearing up from the pain welling up even greater than before. This makes me want to go insane.

I get on my knees and pound the ground covered in small rocks and a few weeds that grew scattered everywhere. I latch my pain to the earth and scream. When the tears run out and cease, I am only left to stare at the distance and fall over. I turn to the sky and look at the stars. I thank them from not abandoning me tonight. I thank the universe for putting up with a person like me.

From silence, I slowly build up to a laugh similar to that of a madman. "I'm supposed to be happy. I told myself I'll be allowing happiness into my life now." My laughter dies down "But where the hell is it?"

I wonder if there is another entity from another dimension or another planet that can see us right now, people from all around the world, people like me, people who run around in circles being shitty and stupid.

I get up and head home haggard and alone. As I open a bottle of water, Taehyung suddenly comes from the living room. 

A blanket of awkwardness covers us. It lessens but doesn't completely vanish when he starts apologizing. "Sorry about earlier." 

I don't know if this is better than the silence earlier. I still smile, "It's fine. Things happen."

He looks down as if he were ashamed. I don't know how to take this in, but it doesn't make me feel all that thrilled. I can still find the happiness in saying I love him but for some reason the stakes in it have changed. I can still find the happiness in saying those words but I can't find the strength to say them. After all, I'm fed up with all this bullshit and it feels like I'm driving myself to a corner, like someone that's being forced to jump off a plank in the middle of the sea.

Is this how I want to love someone? Should I always be in pain to prove my feelings for them?
I go head to my bedroom and a thought I'd never come up with suddenly makes itself known. 'I think I liked it better when we weren't dating' 

At least I wasn't hurt all the time. I wasn't always so confused about the things I did or the things I said. It's become so different now. 

I'll admit I couldn't believe that we were dating at first, I was happy back then. I only considered our union to be a good thing, no one was going to be troubled by it. But life isn't fair like that. There are things beyond one's control and I should've see this coming.

I stare at the ceiling. The ceiling I've always stared at for the past fourteen years since we moved here. I've stared at it when I was so troubled I could dig a hole and stay in it or when I was too happy I could burst like a bubble. Now, I'm just staring at it, refusing to think of the thoughts running round and about my head. If I do acknowledge them and overthink, I'll get into a slump again in the morning. I can't afford that.

So even just for one night, allow me to feel nothingness. Please.