RotBTFD Random drabbles

girls/girls/boys

It's hard to explain. Anna isn't even sure she completely understands it herself. She is not even sure of when it all started, but one thing she's completely certain of is this: She has never wanted to feel someone's lips on hers as much as she does now, as her eyes trace the curve of Rapunzel's lips. They look so soft and full, and that sparkly lip gloss is doing something to Anna, because that's the only explanation she can possibly offer for her current predicament.

Unfortunately, it's not something so simple as a particular shade of lip colour that's caused her sudden attraction - nor is this attraction something sudden ether, if the number of times she's found her gaze drifting to those pretty lips in the past couple of weeks is any indication.

At first she had chalked it up to just admiring how pretty Rapunzel was. It was common knowledge that Rapunzel was one of the prettiest girls on campus, and Anna would happily testify that she was, in fact, one of the prettiest girls she has known in her life. Anna has known Rapunzel for a little over two years, yet it feels like she's known her forever.

It starts with the pet names, playfully called across classrooms. Sitting next to each other turns into cuddling with each other, or sometimes even sitting on each other's laps - she jokingly calls Rapunzel's lap her personal seat: "Mine and mine alone," Anna had growled playfully at Merida, while Rapunzel laughed in her ear. Astrid had rolled her eyes and Merida had huffed good-naturedly, picking Astrid as her 'personal seat' for the day.

Some time during all the time they spend together during first year (it's a lot, because Anna always seeks out her 'personal seat', and is always up for cuddling), Anna, while sitting on Rapunzel's lap, turns to look at the girl whose lap she's sitting on, and while looking at green eyes and pretty lips, her heart skips a beat. Her mind is thinking many things at once, including 'she's really pretty' and 'her lips look really nice' and 'I probably shouldn't be enjoying this as much as I do'. Then Rapunzel smiles up at her, and Anna blinks, and 'oh'.

And that is when her mind shuts down temporarily because she realises there and then that she might not have completely platonic feelings for the girl underneath her, and coupled with the realisation that they are so close now that all Anna would have to do is lean forward and their lips would be touching, is what sends her bolting upright and to the girls toilet, because 'oh, shit'.

She splashes her face with cold water to cool her burning face (it doesn't work), mentally screaming because this cannot be happening. She goes home that night and immediately locks herself up in her room, blasting songs and doing anything and everything to keep from thinking about the possibility of having more than platonic feelings for a girl. She thinks of Hans, her first crush, the guy she was convinced that she was going to marry and have her happily ever after with, back when she was sixteen and being prom queen was more important than life itself. She thinks of Kristoff, the sweet guy who had understood her more than anyone else in the world.

"I like guys." she whispers to the reflection in the bathroom mirror. The girl who looks back out at her in the mirror doesn't look as convinced as she thinks she should be.

Eventually she pulls herself out of the bathroom and in front of her computer, and like any other desperate college student, turns to the World Wide Web for help.

Four hours and one pizza delivery later, Anna thinks she might have found the word for her situation. "Bisexual." she mumbles around her mouthful of pizza, barely tasting it. She likes guys, she might like one girl a bit more than friends - she swallows. It's nice to have a word for it, and to know that she's not alone in her sort of predicament, but something deep inside is gnawing at her: what if it's not real?

She's seventeen again, and she can hear Kristoff's gentle voice - always so gentle, even when it's his heart that's being broken - and she thinks she can never forgive herself for hurting him like this, and her own heart is breaking for this boy who she wants so badly to love, but she just can't feel the same way for him. The fact that it had been him who had realised it first and confronted her about it: 'rebound' is such a horrible word and she wishes he never had to be that person, because Kristoff of all people deserves nothing but happiness.

She promised herself that night that she would never put anyone else through that again.

Anna switches off her computer and puts the leftover pizza away, deciding to call it a night. Enough questioning one's self for one day, figuring out her sexuality could wait until tomorrow. A small part of her kind of hopes that when she wakes up, everything will only have been some crazy sugar induced dream. Another part of her feels ashamed for hoping for something like that. The rest of her just tells her brain to shut up so she can sleep.

It doesn't work, and she stumbles into class the next day feeling like a zombie. Merida wordlessly passes her a cup of coffee, which Anna chugs down in no time at all. "You're a lifesaver." Anna sighs, breathing deeply, if she breathes in hard enough maybe she'll be able to absorb caffeine from the lingering scent of coffee in the now empty cup. She's going to need all the caffeine she can get to get through the rest of the day.

Five hours pass in a mind numbing blur, and at some point she must have dozed off, because when she wakes up, it's to someone with green eyes shaking her awake. She blinks blearily up at the person, before realising that it's Rapunzel. Damn, that small part of her thinks as she stares up at her, it wasn't a dream after all.

Rapunzel hands her a coffee, and if Anna had not already realised it yesterday, she might have fallen for her then, because Rapunzel looks like an angel standing over her, with the way the light shining above seems to give her a halo.

She tries not think about how screwed she is as she sips the coffee, while listening to Rapunzel chatter away next to her.