I loved him

* 6 *

Like any other beautiful romance. We went through the best times of our lives. He made my birthday so special. Every single thing that happened in my life was important to him.

On a random day, I was scrolling down my Instagram when I noticed something. He had been liking his ex girlfriend's pictures. I've known her for always trying to come back.

No girl would always want to come back unless you've been giving her a reason or hope to believe there is still space for her. So I paid attention to his activity on his media with her.  While there wasn't anything major to it, I still didn't like it. I didn't find anything ethical about keeping tabs on your ex girlfriend. I let it go for a bit but at night when I saw him, I had to bring it up.

It was windy and dark. We were outside. My hair was blowing and I had my arms folded. I wasn't trying to be cheeky with him and I was hoping he wouldn't see it that way.

"So I've been paying attention to your social media."
"Oh okay...?" he seemed clueless.
"Why are you still following her and liking her stuff?" I asked.
"Who?"
"Denise."
"Denise?"
"Denise!"
"Oh, she's just a good friend of mine. I wouldn't find it relevant to let her go like that."
"Excuse me?"
"Well she's just a friend now, I swear."
"Oh? Is that how you see it? Well I don't like it. It doesn't feel right. Knowing that she always tries to come back and you're entertaining her like this? Sorry it doesn't work with me."
"Well, I can't help you there."
"Excuse me?"
"I can't do it. It's not right." he said.
"Well, it's funny because you don't put people you care about at risk and I'd never do that to you but you know what. It's fine. I'm leaving, I'm going home."

I turned around and started walking away from him.

"Courtney. Stop..."
I stopped and turned around.

"I will do it. I love you. I don't want to risk losing you over anything."

I froze because this is the second time he really brings out that he's in love with me and doesn't want to let me go.

"Are you serious?" I walked back to him.
"Yes. Now come here."
I walked to him and watched as he took his phone out and unfollowed her.  He held me into his arms and kissed my forehead.

"I love you, Courtney."
"I love you too, Sam."

I wasn't trying to hurt him but I didn't like that. It wasn't even insecurity. It was more about if he could be actually a cheater. A distrust that I may have carried in to the relationship although we've been friends.
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It passed. I had forgotten about it. Some nights he would share his heart with me. I would pray for him. Infact I made it a habit every night to pray for him. It was that deep.

One night it took a different turn. I was out, waiting for him at a hangout. He had told me he'd be on his way. I was talking to a good friend of mine, Lucky when Samuel arrived.

"Hey babe, Lucky and I were just talking about you. How was your day?" I kissed him.

He was cold... I tried to avoid it but he was cold.

"It was okay babe, yours?"
"It was fine."

I still could not dismiss that he was cold but I ignored it.

"Lucky, can I just have a minute with her?"
"Sure, don't mine me."
"See you now, Lucky." I said.

I turned to look at him and fix the collar of his jacket.

"So...wassup.."
"Babe...?"
"Mhm I'm listening..." I smiled.
"I think we should break up."

I felt like I didn't hear him well but I didn't repeat what he said, I just jumped straight and calmly asked him why.

"Why? What's wrong?"
"Well...I have trust issues and besides that, I spoke to God about it and this is just not for me. I'm doing too many things at once and you on the other hand."

I felt blamed...I felt like he was saying I'm a burden. I'm a burden he doesn't trust. I couldn't understand. My heart broke. Why was this always happening to me in relationships?

I remained silent.

"Court? Are you okay?"
" I did nothing to deserve this!" I cried.
"I know. I'm so sorry."
"I did nothing to you. At all! You've had girls break your heart your whole life but I came to make it right and you dismissed me like that? How could you? I can't believe you!" I yelled.
"I'm so sorry, Court. Goodbye."

He left me standing there in the cold. On my own to figure out what to do. I didn't even want to go back to Lucky. I left and I figured Lucky wondered what went wrong.