I loved him

* 24 *

I was over at Lily's for the day. Mom and Mitchell were out shopping. She said she wanted time alone with her grandson. I needed the break, honestly.

We were reclining, just lazing around as friends over a movie in Lily's lounge. Wine, snacks, pizza and some strawberries with whipped cream as dessert.

"You know." I started. "I don't know how the heck he could do this to me."
"Mhm mhm. This guy is bad news, I tell you. This is why I don't have a man." Lily said.
"It's different, Lily. I had one and we had plans together."
"And he ruined them."
"That girl ruined them. That Lizelle thing."
"She's quite a pretty thing, you must admit."
"Nah uh. She is ugly. Don't go there." Enhle added.
"Well, thank you my friend for being a friend. That is what we call a friend, see Lily?"  I chuckled.

There was a moment of silence.

"You do know it's okay to cry, right?" Lily asked.
"I still cry. Not all the time but sometimes I do feel it hit me hard in the heart. It hurts right here." I pointed at my heart.

My friends all gathered around me and gave me a hug.

"One day, it will be alright. You will see."
"Speaking of it being alright. You should try some dating, don't you think?"
"Oh no." I instantly refused.
"Oh, yes. Dwelling on the same guy for so long? You need to go out there girl! You need to. You're still young."
"I'm a mother now."
"And?"
"I don't know."
"Try it. Just try it.

I hesitated but agreed.

Later that evening, mom and Mitchell decided to stay out together. I missed my son but I needed some time to myself. I played some Adele, run myself a hot tub with candles and sat inside the bath with a glass of wine in my hand.

I was suffering. I have been suffering for the longest time and the only thing I could do is put a brave face. Looking at my son was beautiful. He healed almost every single bruise but sometimes when I look at him, he looks just like his dad and the memories replay.

He used to love me so much. Sure, he was bad but what went so wrong? I kept asking God what I did to deserve this. I took a stand of bravery and kept my child but the reward I received was his bad father. The man I loved, leaving me for another woman. Where was the vindication in this? I would ask God.

I felt tears fall down my face and I took a sip of my wine. The pain was so deep I couldn't even avoid my own face with the crying. The music playing in the background wasn't even making it easier.

What did I do to deserve all this when I'm such a good mother?