I loved him

* 12 *

Well, a week later I had to make the decision of what to do.  We had been discussing the abortion plans. So that was it, huh? I was going for an abortion.

A very interesting move I made was going to see a doctor to prescribe nausea medication for me. It was really bad and I needed it sorted. There was no time to wait until I wasn't pregnant anymore. The nausea was killing me.

I walked into the room and here was this rather big man. I had never seen a doctor like that before.

"How can I help?"
He sounded so unfriendly.
"Well, I'm pregnant with really bad nausea and was wondering if you could prescribe something to lessen it."
"Before I do that , hop onto the bed for an ultrasound." he said.

I did just that. When he let out those machines and put them on, there my child was. He was such a little seed!

"He has a heartbeat already, congratulations."

From the moment I found out there was a heartbeat I just wanted to risk it all for my child. I wanted to cry because my pregnancy would be so disapproved of but I wanted to keep my child. That whole 2 seconds changed my life! I wanted to be a mother! I was sure of it!

I received my prescription to collect my medication.

I walked into my car and sat down with my head on the rest.

"God, please help me. Guide me. Help me to do Your will." I prayed.  This was by far one of the most difficult things to deal with.
How do I tell Samuel that I can't do what he has asked me to do.

I'm sure he will be understanding but how do I bring it up?
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It was the day of my abortion and I was told to go alone by Samuel. He was busy with school so I had to make my own way there. My heart was breaking when I think of how I was never alone in this until now.

I arrived at the abortion clinic and looked at it from the outside. I was about to take an innocent life. I sat in the car and tears ran down my face. I didn't know who to turn to. I called a friend I never talk to.

"What do I do?" I cried asking.
"I know it's difficult but please if you are going to do this make sure it's worth the emotional and future risk. Make sure this guy intends on being with you after this."

I felt so stupid. He wasn't even treating me right ever since I fell pregnant. How did I know what his next move was? Would it be worth it? What did I want?

There were so many thoughts in my head. If I abort, chances are he will be there for me but what if he leaves me and marries someone else to have kids with? What will have my child done so wrong to not have been blessed with the chance to live?

If I have the child, how do I explain to the next man that I had a baby out of wedlock? It was a painful situation.

Staring at that clinic door, I turned on my car and drove away. I wasn't doing this. I was going to be a mother.
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Samuel was certain I had it done. I had not heard from him in days. He didn't check up on me. I didn't bother him.

A few days after he called to check up on how the abortion went.

"So...baby...did you do it?"
"Uhm..." I stuttered.
"Uhm...?"
"I didn't...I couldn't...you're going to be a dad."
"What!"
"I can't do it. It's an innocent life."
"What about me?"
"What about my health and my emotional being,Samuel?
"You don't care about me, do you! I trusted you! You said you wouldn't do this to me but you did! I don't want you anymore. I'm officially done with you and this kid.  You are nothing to me. I won't ever come back for you. You are on your own with this child."
"Oh listen to your childish self! Fine go on with your life! Go tell the next woman you go around abandoning your kids!"
"Don't worry about her! I've been spending nights with her. I'm moving on with her. Goodbye."

He hung up on my ear and that was it. Just like that. I was left alone to be pregnant and a mother. I broke down and cried like a baby beaten with a whip. My heart broke.  Although I didn't take him seriously with the next woman, I was broken at how he spoke to me. He's not a cheater. He's not capable of it, he was probably just trying to frighten me.