I loved him

* 7 *

My phone had been ringing and I didn't want to talk to anyone. I was invited as a guest speaker at a town event but I backed down. I had to call my friend to do it for me. I was really shattered and at my worst.

I took my time with cleaning and taking care of my day at home.

Samuel had tried a number of times to contact me but I just refused to budge.
Justin told me to at least hear him out some more and I did just that.

Later that evening, I decided to hear him out after a whole day of misery. I told him he could come over to share his side of the story.

I opened the door after I heard a knock. 
"Hi" he greeted.

I didn't say anything. I just showed him the way to the porch so we could sit.

I didn't say anything to him. I just wanted to hear what he had to say.

"I thought about what I did. I'm willing to try again. I'm willing to change and just try something diffferent this time."

I turned to look at him with a smile and surprised face.

"Are you serious right now?"
"Yes. You are a phenomenal woman. You came at a time when I needed you and I love you."
"Oh baby I love you too."
"I'm never doing this to you again, okay."
"I understand." I smiled.

I lay my head on his shoulder and a random conversation as always started.

"When are you writing tests?

We spent the whole night talking to each other outside staring at the stars.
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This relationship was beginning to get problematic and although I could see slight signs, I ignored them.

Samuel stared entertaining female friendships more than ever. While I don't mind friendships of that kind, there is something awfully strange about you dropping them off at 2am in the morning and them checking on you.

I should have seen the signs and not ignored them but I was so in love I complained over and over again only to stay in the relationship.

My value had decreased based on his judgement. He would always talk about how his female friends are doing great things or understand court cases to their best.  While that's really a nice thing, it seemed like I was a fading picture in the background.

What I could not understand was working out and personally training another girl.

"Who is she?"
"You won't know her. She's much older. She has a boyfriend so I wouldn't stress myself if I were you."
"Why is she calling your phone?"
Those were becoming our topics day in and day out.

The habit was changing. It was hurting but I ignored it. I ignored it because I didn't want to seem like a control freak. Deep inside it was killing me. For a period of about two months I heard all about female friends and their achievements. Who was I to him? Sure, I wasn't as pretty. Was I even sure I wasn't pretty or was my self image slowly starting to die due to the indirect comparison?
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It became worse and I still stayed. He had resorted to keeping me out of his picture. In other words, although he was in a relationship, he would have rather posted up pictures of him and female friends. At some stage I got used to it but there was one that caught my eye and probably changed our whole relationship. Selena.

Selena had tagged him on media and while I didn't mind that, I minded the gestures they shared and the description message of their day.

My heart crashed.  What was I doing so wrong and why was I still staying? So I asked him about it. He was doing the weekend laundry when I arrived at his house to ask about it.

"Hey, wassup. You look beautiful."
"Samuel, who is she!"
"Who?"
"I saw the pictures. I'm not saying you don't have a right to female friends and all that but that was inappropriate."
"Oh, ah that's Selena. We were hanging out today."
"You said you couldn't hang out with me today."

There was a moment of silence.

"Well, my sister came home and took care of everything."
I felt my heart sit on my throat.

"Look. It's not as bad you think. She just wanted to use those pictures as a form of rebound for her ex."
"With MY boyfriend? Does that even make sense to you?"
"I see nothing wrong with it."
"I'm tired of this! You either talk to your friend or in gone."

I didn't want to hear the rest of it, I left.
I left crying so much. He didn't even chase after me.