I loved him

*11 *

I woke up in the morning. I was awoken by the need to pee, actually. I looked for the pregnancy test while dancing to hold in my pee.

"Ah found it!"
There it was.
I went to bathroom with it and before I did anything I uttered the words
"Lord, may Your will be done."

It doesn't help praying to not be pregnant now. Either way, I feel like God had plans for whatever result I received.

I sat and passed urine on the stick. I swear my urine that day took much longer than usual.
It must have been morning urine.

I placed the test face down on the floor and took a deep breath. I didn't want to check too soon for the anxiety was beyond me.

I picked up the stick and I swear I almost lost my breath...

It was positive. This had to be the most traumatizing moment of my life. This wasn't the plan. What was I to do?

I left the bathroom and went back to bed, trying to make sense of it all. It wasn't easy for me. A part of me was in tears, a part of me had motherly instincts already kicking in.

I fell asleep and told myself I would let Samuel know later on.

I woke up a bit later than usual. I texted Samuel to let him know but his phone was off. His phone was off the entire day.

I didn't know how he'd react. My judges were he would be really excited about it, I mean it's a baby! Our baby. 

After trying to endlessly get hold of him l, I reached him.

"Hey babe." he answered.
"You've been quiet. What have you been up to?"
"Well, I was taking it easy all day."
"Oh? With Selena?"
"Haha no. Haven't heard from her today. Don't know where she is or if she backed down."
"Oh okay. Anyway, we need to talk."
"Uh...okay? About?"
"I did it."
"You did what exactly?"
"The test. I took it."
"Oh okay what did it say?"
"It said yes..."
"Yes?" he chuckled.
"Yes...I'm pregnant!" I chuckled too.

Sam continued to chuckle to a point of laughing. I couldn't make sense of his emotions but perhaps he had expected it and was embracing the fatherhood he was never ready for.

"Oh okay babe. I will see you when I get home."
"When are you back?"
"This evening, so tomorrow?"
"That's fine, see you."

Wow. That went well. Better than I had expected.
---------------------------------------------------------

The next day we had decided to go and confirm how far along I was at the doctor. Samuel was really supportive and went with me. Besides all of that I was excited to see him. Hadn't seen him in a while.

We were next in line to see the doctor. We walked in.

"Good morning and how can I help you two today?" she smiled.
"Hi doc. Well..." I sat down
"My girlfriend is pregnant and we would like to confirm if it's true and how far along she is."
"No problem, I can do that for you. Over here, Miss."

I followed doctor's orders.

When she was done.
"Ah. 7 weeks.  2 months. Congratulations."
"Oh my goodness! Are you serious"
I was beginning to handle motherhood well.

Samuel on the other hand had a different emotion in his face. I didn't want to make it obvious that I noticed so I thought it would be best to confront him in the car when we're alone.

On our way back to the car, he was quiet. He seemed unhappy. We got in and I asked him what was wrong.

"Babe. Is anything the matter?"
"We're not ready, right?"
"Yes..we're not." my heart began to sink when I realized where he was heading with this.
"We can't keep him. You know that right?"
"I do...you're right. We're not having this baby." I said.

I didn't want to lose him. It would kill me. So I agreed. Only because I loved him so much and wanted to keep him in my life.

While having this conversation, his phone lights up. My attention subconsciously shifts to it and how he hides it.

"Is that her?" I asked.
"Well..."
"Is that Selena?" I asked.
"Yes, it is."
"You didn't draw boundaries with her, right?"
"Baby I don't understand why this makes you so mad."
"She's everywhere! I can't enjoy a moment with you without her interference! I can't!"
"Baby please!"
"Answer it!"
"No!"
"Answer it or I will!"

He rejected the phone call and it rang about three times over.

"How about I take you for ice cream." he brushed off.

I agreed to it but I know I was upset deep down.

We came back from ice cream and there was something off about him.

"Samuel. Do you still love me?"
"I love you, Courtney."
"Samuel...I'm serious."

There was uncertainty on his face that I couldn't put my finger on.

He kissed my lips in the coldest way and told me he had to go. I walked out his car and allowed him to go. He seemed so disgusted in me. Like he didn't want to see me ever again.