I loved him

*13*

I had not heard from Samuel ever since. I was growing far along and each moment felt like a stab to my heart. I wasn't too sure of the gender yet but I assumed a girl would do.

A painful pregnancy. Yes, that's what it was.

I had spent more time dealing with the trauma of the break up than actually bonding with my little baby.

At some stage I tried reaching out to him. He answered the phone
"Hello."
"Samuel, please. I can't do this. Please just try to calm down."

There was silence on the other end of the line and before I knew it, he just hung up on me. I looked for him on all my social media networks but he blocked me.
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It was a Sunday morning, I was 3 months along. We usually stand during prayer, so I stood up and said my prayers. Recited them but I started feeling faint.

"Dear God, help me withstand this feeling." I whispered.

Unfortunately I couldn't. It was blurry and before I knew it I was on the bathroom floor surrounded by church sisters.

"Are you okay?" Elina asked.
I looked around to check my surroundings.
"I'm okay. I'm alright. Can I just..." I needed a glass of cold water.
Elina handed it to me along with some marshmallows to increase my sugar intake.

I stood up, still feeling weak and Elina went to sit with me in the babies' room.

"Courtney, what's wrong?"
"I have no idea, Elina."
"Have you had something to eat this morning?" she asked.
"I'm sure I did." I tried to remember.
"You need to see a doctor. You can't be feeling like this."

I looked at her with pain in my eyes. I somehow felt like she could see it.

"Courtney. What is really wrong? Please tell me."
I looked at her with pain in my eyes. I couldn't tell her my situation. It was too embarrassing. I felt embarrassed because I feel like everyone had such high hopes for me, Courntey.
"Don't worry, Elina. I am not stressed about anything, it's alright. I can do this. I just need to eat healthy food. That's all."
"Oh okay. Take care of yourself. Maybe you should go home."
"No, no. I will remain in the service until church ends."

She nodded her head and gave me a pat on my back. We stood up together and went back into the hall.

After the collapse, I felt a dash of tiredness, I was feeling cold but sweating, I felt relieved, I felt exhausted, weak. I felt everything.

When church ended, I went home to rest for a bit. I took a short nap and soon after, I got myself ready for a trip to the doctor.

When I arrived at the doctor, I felt those symptoms again. That weakness, that fatigue. I thought I would pass out in the waiting room.

"Miss Cox."
I was next. I slowly walked into the doctor's room.

"Please, have a seat."
"Thank you." I sat down.
"So what seems to be the problem?."
I explained all the symptoms to the doctor and his initial reaction was to not only get mt sugar tested but also my cardiac and blood pressure and blood.

"Miss Cox. We will have to use a half day visit for you to take all the tests we need. Your health doesn't sound too good. Tell me, Miss Cox. Are you anxious or stressed about anything?"

I had to lie. It was difficult because it was almost as if he was looking through me.

"Uhm...no...not at all...I'm fine." I faked a smile.
"Well, if we do find symptoms of stress, ma'am we will have to intervene."
"Don't worry about it, I'm fine."

The doctor set my appointment for two days later because I had to get authorized first.

He released me only to rest but he was expecting to see me in the next two days. Walking out of the practice, I felt weak. I was alone. The father of my child was gone.