13 Reasons Why

Chapter 13

My Mom shakes me awake. "Katie," I hear her chirpy voice ring through my ears, "time to wake up birthday girl." I sigh, right... today's my birthday. I adjust my position, still ignoring my mom and facing away from her in bed, and my arms are in eyeshot. Oh shoot! I see the red lines from last night. Shoot, shoot, shoot. I scan the room quickly for the knife. I let my leg dangle from the bed and kick the small Swiss Army knife under the bed. How could I have been so careless? "Katie, come on. It's your birthday, sweetheart. You're 13! Exciting, isn't it?" I shove my arms under my blanket. "I guess," I reply dryly, trying to conceal the fact I'm on the verge of tears. My eyes feel like they're crusty form all the crying I did last night. I had to cut my arms, just to see if I could really do it. By "it" I mean kill myself. Cutting my arms was like a test, and the pain didn't even compare to the big hole I get inside my chest when I think of Annie. It was worth it... I think. "Come on, Annie would want you to get out of bed and continue to live your life-" my mom starts talking, and something inside me snaps. The tears come, heavily. "Don't talk about what Annie wants!" I shriek through the sobs. "Y-you... don't know! Okay? Jus-just stop!" My Mom can't speak on Annie's behalf, she has zero idea what Annie would want, or that Annie wasn't the same. Neither did I, but at least now I'm learning why she wanted to die. I wish I could tell my mom, just to prove she knows nothing, Annie left her own tapes filled with what she wants. I just want her to shut up and leave me alone. Instead my mom leans down and, despite the fact I'm laying on my side, pulls me into a tight embrace. "Get off of me!" Is the reflex reaction. Stop touching me. Stop talking to me. Stop making me cry. Stop making me live. Just stop. Stop... and let me die. "I'm sorry..." her voice trails off as she pulls away. "Katie, I'm scared. If you ever think you want to... um... to do what Annie did, promise me you'll tell me?" I don't answer for a moment. I let the hysteria consume the silence, my tears the only thing you can hear. "I promise," I lie. It's the only way she'll leave. If I lie.