13 Reasons Why

Chapter 37

(Katie) My eyes keep traveling back to the line "it's the people closest to you that hurt you the most" in Annie's neat script. Why does that have to be true?! I use every fiber of control left in my deflated soul not to rip the paper apart. Mia's hysterically crying again, but what else is new? I'm crying, just not as hard. I keep rereading where Annie said goodbye to me. Mia was right... this letter did damage. To me, to her... to probably everybody else who read it. My hands are shaky I as I fold the paper and tuck it safely into the back of the box. Oh my god, the tapes are done... that means... I'm going to die. That's when I start hysterically crying, harder than Mia. I'm suicidal, and depressed, and lonely. And I thought I wanted to die. But now that the time's come? I just don't know if I'm ready yet. "Annie s-said she wanted-ed us to l-live our l-lives," Mia manages through her sobs, stuttering and unable to spit it out. "I think I w-want to," her voice gets quieter. I can't bring myself to answer her, but my gears are turning. Mia doesn't want to die either. "Please don't be mad, Katie." Her tone becomes more and more steady, and the downpour of tears is more like a trickle now. "I think I want to live." She looks me dead in the eyes. Pleading me to answer her. I just sit there sobbing, but nod me head quickly. I hope she gets it. The tears stream down my cheeks. I want to live, but I'm going to be miserable all my life? Maybe I do want to die... there's another war on my mind. Mia pulls me in for a hug until I can breathe more steady again. I'm using tears instead of words, because my mouth can't even explain what I'm feeling, only my eyes can. "Annie left one more thing," Mia whispers, and she tucks her blonde hair behind her ear as she turns away quickly. I wipe my eyes for maybe the millionth time today, and try to compose myself. You're not going to kill yourself, you're not going to kill yourself, I repeat, because I think my heart needs a reminder. There's just too much to live for, I think. But then there are things to die for... Mia returns to me and hands me a yellow post-it note folded in half. My trembling fingers unfold it.