13 Reasons Why

Chapter 32

TAPE TWELVE
-Katie- "My best friend... I mean, I'm not sure if I can really call you that, Katie. But, yeah. You were the closest thing to a best friend I ever had. But you're supposed to love you best friend. I loved you so much, Kate. But, honestly, every single day, just like Mia, you made me feel like nobody loved me. I went to gym everyday feeling uncared for, and a best friend shouldn't make you feel that way. I think you probably thought you were doing good as far as best friends go, but I felt like you didn't even care about me. It was like... you never appreciated my presence, but then noticed my absence. I think for you, our friendship was more like one of those things that took up time and occupied you, whereas I thought of you as my other half. We had so many years of being best friends, but even though we had come so far, this year you didn't even care. Basically, I walked away. And you let me, you didn't follow me. All this mostly happened in the very final week of my life, so let's skip to then, okay? Monday morning. I felt like trash, unwanted, an insignificant waste of space. I showed up at gym, and I told you about everything that was going on, I told you I was just feeling pretty down lately. I creeped around the word "depression", but hoping you'd get the gist. I wasn't explaining to the person who was supposed to know me better than anybody else in the world I was obviously depressed. You told me it was "going to get better", actually you promised it would. It didn't. So after I told you this Monday morning, suicide on my mind, I started to pull away from you. I didn't say a word to you for the rat of practice. You didn't try to get me to say anything. I walked away, you didn't follow me. That night, I texted you at 7:07 (on purpose, you know why... sevens for Caleb). "I miss him". I had texted you this a million times before at least, those same three words. "Him" didn't have to even be explained anymore because it was just known to be Caleb. You usually would write me a paragraph, but I had notice the past month or so you didn't really do that. Just a couple sentences. This was a test. Katie, you failed. Your response: "I'm sorry Annie". That was the same number of words I sent you. This had never happened before. Not to mention it took you 2 hours to respond. I tried so hard to brush it off. Then came Tuesday. I came into gym. Still feeling like I wanted to die. I actually had tears in my eyes when you walked into practice. You looked at me, as if you were deciding whether or not to ask me what was wrong. You finally did. "Caleb?" You whispered. I shrugged, "Kind of. Him and a lot more." A best friend, or anybody really who even remotely cared about a person, would ask them what else was up. You just gave me a half-grin and placed your hand on my shoulder. Then you went to unlace your shoes. Wow. I felt like I had been knocked off the beam and landed on my chest. My heart hurt, and all the air in my sucked itself away somehow. I ran to the bathroom and had a good five-minute cry before warm up started. I was reaching out to you, screaming for help, but you were turning your head, covering your ears, and leaving me forsaken and alone. You abandoned me in my most desperate time. I had never needed you this much before, and when I did, you shrugged me off. I walked away. For what felt like the millionth time. You didn't follow. Day three, Wednesday. I was trying again. I was in tears again when you came to practice. You looked me over, and then just whispered. "We all miss him, Annie." I froze. You went to unlace your shoes. We all miss him, okay. But not all of us want to die. I did. I do. So that night I tried texting again. At 7:07pm. "Katie, can we please talk?" You replied in three minutes. Good. "Sure". I started typing again: "I think I want to go and see Caleb." How more obvious could I be? I wanted to go see my dead brother, in heaven... meaning I wanted to go to heaven. I wanted to die. I told you, basically, straight up. Your felt had me taken aback: "me too." You wanted to die? "We all want to see him again, visit him." You texted. Oh, I figured I'd have to make myself a little more clear. "I don't want to just visit him, I want to go to him and stay there forever." This was crystal clear. "Me too, I wish he could stay forever." You replied. I gave up, right then and there. I gave up on love, friendship, family, happiness, basically... life. I never said to you "I'm suicidal", but I did everything in my power to show you how I was feeling. I dropped so, so may hints. And you couldn't take a single one of them. You weren't my best friend. You just didn't care, and I just was a waste of air. So I pulled away. Thursday I barely spoke to you, and then came Friday. Part of me knew that it was probably the last time I was ever going to see you. I knew that I couldn't take everything much longer, and that I couldn't make it to Monday. Monday was when gym started back up, and I was pretty sure it would start back up without me. I ignored you for 99% of practice. I put millions of miles of distance between us, and you didn't take a single step in my direction. And then practice ended I looked around at my team. And for the first time, I said goodbye to every single girl at practice. It was just a small wave and a "bye", that every single one of them overlooked. But inside, for me, my heart broke a little with every memory I tossed down the drain. But I smiled through it all, because this actually meant I was closer to letting go of everything and escaping to Caleb's world. I saved you for last. "Katie," I called, right before you were leaving. You turned around. "Annie, I gotta go, Brennan has polo," you said motioning over your shoulder. Of course. This was the very last time I was ever going to see you. The next couple moments were in super slow motion. I looked into your brown eyes, and millions of memories swarmed in front of my eyes. Before I knew it I was swimming in an ocean. Not just any ocean, but an ocean of best friend memories. My whole life with you flashed before my eyes. For a moment, I didn't want to give up. I wanted to keep on fighting. My body rose about a million degrees in temperature, my stomach dropped, my heart raced, and I was about to cry. I wanted to just throw myself into your arms, have you hug me until everything to fix itself. But I knew it couldn't happen. I was in too deep. Way too deep. You looked at me expectantly. This was goodbye. And I couldn't bring myself to say it. My throat ached, simply because those two syllables were hiding in it. You were my best friend, and you made me question this whole ending-everything thing. I swear, Katie. If you had said anything to me. Anything at all, I'd still be here. I would have thrown these tapes away. I would have hugged you, I would have told my parents I needed some kind of help. I would have called that suicide hot line I see commercials for that I doubted anybody ever used. But you just stood there. I almost didn't even say goodbye. But I remembered Caleb, and how I never said that goodbye. This was an opportunity to say goodbye, I needed to take it. I attempted in vain to push the memories from my mind, but I couldn't. "Katie," I repeated myself. You nodded. Like you just needed me to get this over with. This was the exact moment you killed me. Yes, Katie. You killed me. You. "Goodbye," I said. Kate, you looked at me, wondering what was going through my head. "Bye." You called, and left the gym without looking back. And I felt tears sting my face. It was over for me. So yeah, if I had to pin my death on a single person, it would be Katie Donnelly. My "best friend". 13 reasons why... and you're the biggest one."