13 Reasons Why

Chapter 20

TAPE 5 PT. 2
- Hayden -
"How could I not fall in love with you? You couldn't stop hugging me, which really did things to my head. I kept wondering why you were hugging me, you had Kenzie. But little by little, from that moment, all I ever wanted to do was hug you again. Hayden, I do have to thank you for something. For a couple moments, your hug worked wonders. You hugged me so tight, all my broken pieces came back together. Everything was right in the world while I was between your arms. I knew I loved you because hugging you made me fade away from everything else. It was just my head pressed against your rising and falling chest, the top nestled in the crook of your chin, your strong arms curled around my helpless body. I knew that was safe. That was love. Well, it was one-sided love. We were best friends, and you thought of it just as that. As a friend kind of love. Everyday at least ten people would ask me "are you dating Hayden?" or "is Hannie real?" And everyday I had to force my lips to turn upward at the corners. Pretend it was something I didn't mind answering. "No, we're just best friends." Became the hardest thing to say in the world. Every time I did, something broke inside me. I was ashamed to feel it, but I knew I couldn't be just friends with you. I was too deep in love with my best friend. And every single person gave me that "I-know-you-like-him" look, and I'd deny it. But the truth is, I am so helplessly falling for you. Secretly being in love with somebody you shouldn't be liking, not as more than a friend, was that hardest thing I've ever gone through. I feel so bad admitting this... but it was probably harder than coping with Caleb's loss. I think I'm the worst human in the world for feeling that. But it's true. And I would have told you this... but I couldn't. I could tell you anything, except the most important thing. I came so close, so, so many times. And then when we were sitting at the ramen place you brought Kenzie, without our parents. Just us. It was small talk, and then you started to look at me in a strange way... the way I look at you. "How's Kenzie?" I blurted out, and I'm not exactly sure why. But your answer changed everything.