13 Reasons Why

Chapter 14

TAPE FOUR
-Caleb-
"Oh, bubba... your name does not belong in this mix. And I'm sorry, I really am. But for me to tell my story 100% completely and honestly, your name has to be on this list. So... here we go. Let me start by saying, I've never been that good at goodbyes. And the hardest goodbyes are the ones that were never said. Like ours. Everyday for the past almost two years, I say that goodbye in my head. Everyday I wish that it could have happened. And everyday I cry. I don't get to say that goodbye, so what I can't say, I weep. And the worst thing about the crying is that it happens every morning. Another worst that happens every morning is loosing somebody you love. The worst part of your death Caleb, is that it happens every single morning. When I open my eyes and my heart is still beating, and yours isn't. When I'm supposed to somehow collect myself and carry on. But I can't. Everybody says "life goes on". But for me, that's the saddest part. Why does it have to go on? After you were swept away and replaced by grief, why do things have to continue? It's kind of shocking when your world falls to pieces, and everything and everyone around you carries on with life. And all you can do is tumble into the enormous, bottomless pit of grief. The thing about grief is that it's like living two lives. One where you pretend everything is alright, and one where your heart silently screams in pain. There's a stillness about grief. A process. An overwhelming hush. Some days it screams out Caleb. Some days it's a peace that there is more. But everyday it's a silent breaking of my already shattered soul. And my mind doesn't know how to stop replaying the memories, and it can't wrap itself around the fact that you're now just like them... a memory. But then it does. And then it hits you harder than you ever thought it would. And your life starts spinning, but you're still stuck in the moment. That moment. Caleb, the moment you left me. When you died, my heart split in two. One half managed to keep me going. The other half died with you. And my life also got cut down the middle. The part with you... and then the after. I liked the first part a whole lot better. But when I killed my self, I was deep into the after part. And I'm so sorry I couldn't save you. There was nothing I could do, but I can't stop myself from feeling it was all my fault. That's what happens when somebody you love so much dies. And I loved you past the moon, yet missed you beyond the stars. There was just this hole. This big gap inside of me. Whenever your name popped up the hole enveloped me, making the air thin and my head weak. And breaking my heart all at once. I don't want to celebrate life, or even live it. I just want to let go of everything and be with you. And if somebody's listening to me cry my heart out about my big brother, that means I got what I wanted. My heart stopped beating too. It broke one too many times. I think that we are often led to think heartbreak is romantic. Captivating poetry, heart-wrenching music, silent tears leaking from your eye that can be discreetly wiped away. This could not be further from the truth. Heartbreak is the death of somebody who meant so much. Like your big brother. Grief and loss that shatter the heart and make up the term "heartbreak", is actually very ugly. It is crying so many tears the face looks changed as it becomes swollen and red. It is snot running down your face freely, and not even caring to wipe it away. It is lying on the hospital floor, screaming for relief from the emotional pain that is suffocating your soul. It is sitting at the dinner table, laughing and looking happy at one moment, and the next rushing to your bedroom to cry, clutching at your chest because it's too hard to breathe. This is the truth of heartbreak. This is what became my reality the day Caleb Logan died. But I'll tell you what this isn't. This isn't what I caused anybody. No pain close to what I faced could have possibly been inflicted on anybody simply because I committed suicide.
I seriously doubt that. There's no way somebody loved me this much to have a part of them buried with me. Off the top of my head, I cannot think of a single person who could have been tasked with grieving me. I'm gone, if your listening. And if on the off chance somebody cared enough to feel even remotely close to what I felt when I lost my brother, I want to apologize from the depths of my broken heart. If you're going through this as you listen, I'm so sorry. I actually am. I don't want anybody to ever have to go through this, regardless of anything what-so-ever. If I hurt you when I hurt myself, please accept my apology. I mean it. And bubba, I'm ridiculously close to reuniting with you in heaven. And I'll tell you all of this. I won't have to say goodbye, it'll be a hello. And thank goodness I'm decent at hellos. So Caleb, you're definitely a huge reason why I took my own life. But it's not your fault. I begged death to come and take me. Your time encountering death was a freak accident. I love you, Caleb. Wait for me. If somebody's listening to this tape, I'm already with you."